FEBRUARY 16, 1999

Full News Archive

• Headline: Rambouillet Talks Shape Kosovo Peace Plan. Impact: If only Russia had decided to prod Serbs into a karaoke competition instead, the entire Balkan region might have turned into a Eurovision song contest. Who knows, we might have avoided decades of conflict and had a lot more catchy pop songs.. Fact: Did you know that the phrase 'peace talks' often precedes a lot of paperwork and very little actual 'peace'?.
• Headline: Wal-Mart Expands into the Northeast Market. Impact: Wal-Mart's expansion set off a chain reaction where local shops turned into ghost towns, and townsfolk started mourning the loss of their favorite neighborhood stores. Next up: 'The Walking Dead: Retail Edition.'. Fact: Fun fact: Wal-Mart's logo is just a sad face, watching as small businesses disappear one aisle at a time..
• Headline: Credit Suisse Acquires Warburg Pincus Unit. Impact: This acquisition led to an avalanche of financial jargon that would confuse anyone who isn't on a first name basis with their stockbroker. The financial world was forever changed, mainly because now more people are asking, 'What’s a mutual fund?'. Fact: Funny how 'acquire' sounds so much nicer than 'gobble up like a hungry hippo,' right?.
• Headline: American Safety Razor Is Being Acquired. Impact: The acquisition of American Safety Razor marked the start of an era where people would debate whether a razor was worth the price of a small car. Spoiler: it's never just about the razor.. Fact: Did you know that safety razors are called 'safety' because they don't bite? Unlike your ex..
• Headline: Solo Sailor Sends Message She Capsized at Sea. Impact: Had the solo sailor not capsized, she might have returned to the shore to become the next big influencer on Instagram, promoting sunscreen and yacht accessories. Guess she wasn’t ready for her ‘15 minutes’ of fame.. Fact: Did you know that a capsized yacht is just a really bad way of saying ‘I wanted to take an unplanned swim’?.
• Headline: Scientists Uncover Clues To Flu Epidemic of 1918. Impact: Unraveling the 1918 flu was like peeling back the layers of an onion - the more they discovered, the more people cried. It opened the door to modern virology, though we still can't seem to cure the common cold.. Fact: In a twist of fate, the 1918 flu pandemic led to better hand hygiene... because who doesn't love washing their hands after a global pandemic, right?.
• Headline: Rates on Japan-U.S. Shipments to Increase. Impact: Increasing shipping rates could have led to a world where people just decided it was easier to invent teleportation. But instead, we just get more shipping fees and fewer packages delivered on time.. Fact: Did you know that shipping costs are like the price of coffee? They just keep going up while your paycheck stays the same..
• Headline: John D. Ehrlichman, Nixon Aide Jailed for Watergate, Dies at 73. Impact: Ehrlichman's death sparked a renewed interest in the Watergate scandal, reminding everyone that if you stick around long enough, your past will come back to haunt you. Ghosts of political scandals are the real hauntings.. Fact: Fun fact: Watergate was so scandalous that it made people forget about the more pressing issues, like who had the best hairstyle in the 70s..
• Headline: The Border's Aspiring Racket-Buster. Impact: Moctezuma's police reform might have inspired a wave of 'good cop' movies, but instead, it just led to more bureaucracy and a lot of eye-rolling from the public. Who knew reform could be so... boring?. Fact: Did you know that 'corrupt' and 'police force' are often found in the same sentence, like peanut butter and jelly? Just not everyone finds it as tasty..
• Headline: First Ladies Of Off Off Off Off Broadway; Four Seats, Down Front, Up on Arthur Avenue. Impact: The Golden Girls of Off Off Off Off Broadway showed that age is just a number, but their dedication to theater could have sparked a nationwide trend of seniors taking back the stage. Watch out, Broadway!. Fact: Did you know that 'Off Off Off Off Broadway' is just a fancy way of saying 'we're really far from the action and still having a blast'?.