FEBRUARY 13, 1999

Full News Archive

• Headline: Hyde Reflects on Clinton's Impeachment Outcome. Impact: Henry Hyde’s cryptic comment sparked a nationwide conspiracy theory that time itself was sentient and had a vendetta against Congress. This led to a surge in time travel-themed movies, culminating in a bizarre cult dedicated to 'Time's Revenge'.. Fact: Hyde's profound statement was so vague that it inspired countless memes, proving that ambiguity is indeed the mother of all humor..
• Headline: Clinton Acquitted: Impeachment Outcome. Impact: This acquittal triggered a series of events where future politicians learned that if you shout 'not guilty' loud enough, you might just get away with it. This led to the phrase 'What happens in the Oval Office stays in the Oval Office'.. Fact: Ironically, this was one of the few times the phrase 'no majority' didn’t refer to a high school dance..
• Headline: Moderates and Other Defectors Deny G.O.P. a Coveted Majority. Impact: This unexpected alliance of moderates created a new political strategy: when in doubt, just form a coalition. This has since led to a thriving career for lobbyists who specialize in awkward group hugs.. Fact: The irony is that the G.O.P. was so close to a majority that they could practically taste it—if only it were not the bitter flavor of compromise..
• Headline: Maples in Part of Queens Face Ax To Stop an Infestation of Beetles. Impact: The fight against the Asian long-horned beetle led to a future where New Yorkers developed a heightened sensitivity towards insect rights. Who knew beetles had such a powerful lobby?. Fact: Frank Grill's trees were so beloved that they became the unofficial mascots of Bayside, leading to a future trend of tree therapy sessions..
• Headline: Coke Expands Its Lead in U.S.. Impact: Coca-Cola’s victory over Pepsi marked the beginning of a corporate rivalry that would inspire decades of extreme marketing. It was the birth of 'Cola Wars: The Musical'—a Broadway hit nobody asked for.. Fact: Coca-Cola’s expansion was so dominant that even the vending machines started forming alliances. I mean, who can resist a good soda partnership?.
• Headline: President Says He Is Sorry And Seeks Reconciliation. Impact: Clinton’s public apology redefined political damage control, leading future leaders to hire PR teams specializing in heartfelt apologies. The 'I'm Sorry' card became a staple in political campaigns.. Fact: His appearance in the Rose Garden was so poignant that it inspired a future generation of politicians to wear floral ties during apologies..
• Headline: Senators From New York Region Say Clinton's Acts Didn't Warrant Removal. Impact: This collective decision sent future senators a clear message: sometimes, the less said about a scandal, the better. It laid the groundwork for a future where silence is golden—and often the preferred option.. Fact: It’s rumored that the Senators from New York got together afterward for a pizza party to celebrate their unanimous decision—because nothing says political unity like a slice..
• Headline: Finding Your Manners; A Lost Generation of Executives Needs Help at the Business Table. Impact: Judith Re’s etiquette classes became the epitome of corporate culture, leading to a new generation of executives who could balance a checkbook while simultaneously holding a proper fork. This has since evolved into an odd trend where board meetings include lessons on how to chew with your mouth closed.. Fact: These classes were so popular that they inspired a reality show, 'The Real Executives of Business Etiquette', which was canceled after one season due to lack of drama..