FEBRUARY 7, 1999

Full News Archive

• Headline: Vice President For Siberia Explained. Impact: The idea of a 'Vice President for Siberia' led to the conception of increasingly bizarre corporate titles, culminating in the first company to hire a Chief Unicorn Officer. This created a corporate culture where employees spent more time brainstorming titles than actual work.. Fact: Fun fact: Companies actually have a 'Vice President of Awkward Promotions'—they just don’t advertise it..
• Headline: Sundance Film Festival Highlights Excitement. Impact: The Sundance Film Festival’s eclectic mix inadvertently inspired every future film student to believe they could be the next Quentin Tarantino, leading to a global shortage of original ideas and an overabundance of awkward student films starring their friends.. Fact: Did you know that the films at Sundance are so eclectic that you could randomly select one and it might still not make sense, even to the director?.
• Headline: French Fare Well At the Armory. Impact: The unofficial participation of French athletes in track events sparked a series of international sports exchanges, leading to the absurdity of competitive snail racing becoming a televised sport. Who knew it would take a few high schoolers to make that happen?. Fact: Did you know that high school sports are often more competitive than the actual Olympics? Just kidding—no one wants to see you run in a potato sack..
• Headline: Voices From the Past, Updated for the Present. Impact: The resurgence of classic pop singers in casinos led to a cultural revival that prompted modern artists to start dressing like their groovy predecessors, resulting in a fashion trend called 'Pop-Back to the 70s'. It took over the world, one sequined jumpsuit at a time.. Fact: Did you know that Ringo Starr once thought the Beatles were just a band of time travelers? Spoiler alert: They weren’t..
• Headline: Don't Forget to Pack the Microchips. Impact: The article on high-tech travel gadgets led to an explosion of travel accessories that nobody asked for, including a portable espresso maker that doubled as a phone charger. Because who wouldn’t want to be caffeinated AND mobile while sitting in an airport?. Fact: Did you know that the first mobile phone was so big it came with a shoulder strap? Good luck taking THAT through security!.
• Headline: Rebuilding Project Is Under Way. Impact: The rebuilding project discussion ignited a wave of similarly ambitious plans in sports teams worldwide, resulting in the absurdity of a team mascot being elected as the city’s mayor. Let's face it, the mascot was more relatable.. Fact: Did you know that some sports team rebuilding strategies are more like dramatic soap operas? Tune in next week for the cliffhanger!.
• Headline: DeMartini Returns To Suffolk G.O.P. Helm. Impact: DeMartini's return sparked a political renaissance where retired politicians began to see their retirements as mere intermissions, leading to a bizarre trend of 'political comebacks' that rivaled celebrity reunions. Who doesn’t want to see a former politician on a reality show?. Fact: Did you know that in politics, the only thing harder than leaving is not coming back? It's like the Hotel California, but with better snacks..
• Headline: MASTER OF THE GAMES: A special report.; Olympic Chief's Expansion Goals Left Little Zeal to Pursue Abuses. Impact: Samaranch’s legacy of overlooking scandals encouraged a generation of sports leaders to adopt a similar approach, resulting in a 'don’t ask, don’t tell' policy for sports ethics that led to questionable Olympic events such as synchronized swimming with flamingos.. Fact: Did you know that the International Olympic Committee once considered adding 'Extreme Lying' as an official sport? Too bad they couldn’t find any contestants that were honest about it..