JANUARY 29, 1999

Full News Archive

• Headline: American Geophysical Union Sounds Alarm on Climate Change. Impact: The scientists' warning sparked a global panic, leading to the invention of the first time machine powered by solar energy. Unfortunately, it only took people to the year 2050, where they found themselves in a desert with no water and a sign reading, 'Told you so!'. Fact: Ignoring climate change is like ignoring a fart in an elevator – sure, you can pretend it’s not happening, but eventually, everyone will notice..
• Headline: New Jersey Energy Market Deregulation. Impact: Deregulating utilities led to an unforeseen rise in ‘energy-saving’ candles and ‘eco-friendly’ bonfires, which then inspired a generation to rethink their relationship with light bulbs. The candle industry is now thriving, and we have a resurgence of hipster candle shops.. Fact: Deregulation is just a fancy word for 'let's see what happens when we let the wild west take over our utilities!' Spoiler: it’s mostly just chaos..
• Headline: Senate Republicans Pass Trial Plan. Impact: The trial plan opened a Pandora's box of reality TV scenarios, leading to the first televised impeachment trial. Viewers were treated to drama, tears, and the birth of a new genre: political soap operas. Who knew politics could double as entertainment?. Fact: The real winner of the impeachment trial? Ratings. Because who needs legislation when you have drama?.
• Headline: CBS Granted More Tax Cuts to Stay Put. Impact: CBS’s tax breaks became a case study in how to bribe corporations to stay put. This eventually led to a rise in corporate ‘stay-or-go’ games, where cities compete to offer the most ludicrous incentives, like free donuts for life.. Fact: Tax cuts for corporations are like giving a toddler candy – it keeps them happy for a moment, but it doesn’t solve any long-term problems..
• Headline: H.I.V. Peril and Rising Drug Use. Impact: The increasing concern about HIV and drug use led to a spike in awareness campaigns, which ironically resulted in the popularity of ‘safe partying’ workshops. These workshops became so trendy that they were eventually featured at Coachella.. Fact: Sometimes, the best way to solve a serious issue is to throw a party – just make sure everyone wears a costume and has a good time while discussing their health..
• Headline: Anchorwoman Wins $8.3 Million Over Sex Bias. Impact: The $8.3 million award inspired a wave of lawsuits from disgruntled anchors across the country. Soon, news stations were hiring based on talent alone, which led to the hilarious idea of a news anchor talent show. Spoiler: no one won.. Fact: This case was a landmark victory for women in media, proving that sometimes you really can put a price on sexism. In this case, it was $8.3 million!.
• Headline: Award in Hoffman Suit. Impact: Dustin Hoffman's lawsuit led to stricter copyright laws, empowering celebrities to fight back against unauthorized use of their likeness. This eventually spiraled into a world where even your grandma needed permission to post your baby pictures on Facebook.. Fact: Fun fact: if you ever want to annoy a celebrity, just use their image without permission. They might just sue you for a small fortune!.
• Headline: Fed Chief Sees Hard Choices To Preserve Social Security. Impact: Greenspan's warning about Social Security led to a nationwide panic, which sparked a new trend of retirement planning workshops in yoga studios. The mantra? 'Breathe in the future, breathe out the debt.'. Fact: The only thing more difficult than preserving Social Security is getting a room full of politicians to agree on pizza toppings..
• Headline: CRITIC'S CHOICE/Film; Next to This, Norman Looks Sane. Impact: Maslin's review of 'Peeping Tom' inspired a cult following that resulted in a resurgence of voyeur-themed films, leading to the creation of a film festival dedicated to 'Creepy Cinematic Voyeurism.' Yes, that happened.. Fact: Peeping Tom was so controversial that it could have been marketed as a 'how not to make friends' guide for filmmakers..