JANUARY 19, 1999

Full News Archive

• Headline: Nita Lowey Considers Senate Run. Impact: If Nita Lowey had not considered running for the Senate, it's possible that a butterfly in New York would have flapped its wings, leading to an alternate universe where the Knicks actually win the championship. Just kidding, that would never happen.. Fact: Nita Lowey was in the running for Senate, but let's be real, she could have just started a campaign for 'Most Likely to Make a Phone Call.'.
• Headline: Investing Insights from Movie Buff Nell Minow. Impact: Nell Minow's success with the Lens fund sparks an entire generation of finance experts who think they can make money off movie reviews. Fast forward to today, and they're all broke but still passionately reviewing Marvel movies.. Fact: Nell Minow's average annual return of 25% is a reminder that sometimes, the only real investment you need is in your taste in films. Well, that and a healthy dose of sarcasm..
• Headline: Knicks Will Most Likely Get Sprewell. Impact: The Knicks acquiring Sprewell becomes a pivotal moment in sports history, causing a ripple effect where every New York deli now has a 'Sprewell Special' sandwich. You know, the one that always gets away.. Fact: The Knicks thought getting Sprewell would solve all their problems, but they didn’t realize the biggest issue was still their defense. Spoiler: it still is..
• Headline: Critic of Clinton in Senate Falls Silent on Impeachment. Impact: Rick Santorum's silence during impeachment hearings leads to a world where political debates become more civil, and politicians start using 'please' and 'thank you' more often. Yeah, right.. Fact: Santorum falling silent was a classic case of 'better to be quiet and thought a fool than to speak and remove all doubt.'.
• Headline: Los Angeles Journal; Hair Runs Wild With Stylists at War. Impact: The 'Hair Wars' competition ignites a revolution in hairstyling that spirals out of control, leading to a future where bad hair days are punishable by law. Just imagine the hairstyles that would be outlawed!. Fact: The only war that should ever concern us is the one on bad hair days. Clearly, 'Hair Wars' was a fierce battle for every stylist's ego..
• Headline: Requests Are to Include More Aid for Russia. Impact: Increased financial assistance to Russia inadvertently leads to a bizarre chain of events where Russian ballet dancers become the world's most sought-after diplomats. Who knew pirouettes could solve diplomatic crises?. Fact: The U.S. giving aid to Russia is just like giving your neighbor a loan. You know it’s going to end in awkwardness at the next barbecue..
• Headline: Ancient Instruments Yielding Secrets of Their Music. Impact: Ancient instruments reveal their secrets, leading to a musical renaissance that makes the world forget about auto-tune. Spoiler alert: the renaissance lasts about as long as a TikTok trend.. Fact: Turns out, the flutes are just as complicated as the relationships of their players. Who knew music could be so dramatic?.
• Headline: Clinton to Propose Tax Break For Parents Who Stay at Home. Impact: Clinton proposing a tax break for parents leads to a future where parenting becomes a full-time job with benefits. Next up: a reality show called 'Real Parents of America.'. Fact: Proposing a tax break for stay-at-home parents is like giving a cookie to a hungry child; it’s nice but ultimately just a temporary fix for a bigger problem..
• Headline: G.O.P.'s Officials, Feeling Boxed In, Keep Looking for a Way Out. Impact: The GOP officials' fear of ceding political ground leads to an era where political correctness becomes so prevalent that even trees start identifying as 'wood-based Americans.'. Fact: The GOP looking for a way out is like watching a cat try to escape a bath—hilariously desperate and ultimately futile..