JANUARY 11, 1999

Full News Archive

• Headline: Redskins Sold for Record $800 Million. Impact: The sale of the Redskins for a whopping $800 million sparked a frenzy of overpriced sports franchises, leading to the eventual creation of a secret society of billionaires who challenge each other to buy teams using increasingly outrageous methods – next up, a game of Monopoly with real money!. Fact: Did you know that $800 million could buy you approximately 400,000,000 packs of gum? Just think of all the chewing involved!.
• Headline: FAA Security Violations Exposed. Impact: The FAA's discovery of security holes led to a series of increasingly ridiculous airport regulations, resulting in the emergence of a popular underground sport known as 'airport security dodgeball,' where travelers attempt to evade security checks while carrying increasingly bizarre items.. Fact: Did you know that the FAA’s official motto is 'Trust us, we know what we’re doing'? Just kidding, it's really 'We’re still working on it.'.
• Headline: Kinko's Launches Humor-Driven Campaign. Impact: Kinko's humorous campaign inadvertently set off a global trend of businesses trying to be funny, leading to a future where serious corporations have mascots that juggle while discussing quarterly earnings, because nothing says 'financial stability' like slapstick.. Fact: Did you know that humor in advertising can increase sales by up to 50%? Or at least that’s what they tell the interns..
• Headline: Fever Pitch: Getting Doctors To Prescribe Is Big Business. Impact: The explosive growth of pharmaceutical sales led to a world where doctors began prescribing increasingly bizarre treatments, including 'meditation for toenail fungus,' causing the public to question the very fabric of modern medicine.. Fact: Did you know that the average doctor’s visit now includes a complimentary prescription for something you didn’t even know existed? Talk about a surprise party!.
• Headline: Focus on Impeachment Casts a Shadow on the Goals of Both Parties. Impact: Clinton's impeachment saga turned political discourse into a reality TV show, leading to a future where Congress members are voted into office based on their ability to cry on cue during televised debates.. Fact: Did you know that impeachment trials were originally intended to be serious affairs? Now they’re just a lengthy episode of 'As the Capitol Turns.'.
• Headline: Toyota President Is Choice to Lead Trade Group. Impact: The election of Toyota's president to lead a trade group created a ripple effect in the automotive industry, resulting in an unforeseen rivalry between car companies who now compete in 'who can make the quietest engine,' leading to a future of cars so silent they are mistaken for ghosts.. Fact: Did you know that Toyota has been a pioneer in hybrid technology? They took 'silent but deadly' to a whole new level – now they just need to work on their snack options!.
• Headline: Clare Potter, Who Set Trends In Women's Clothes, Dies at 95. Impact: Clare Potter's passing left a void in the fashion industry, causing a bizarre trend where fashionistas began wearing their laundry baskets as hats, inadvertently leading to the rise of 'laundry couture' on the runways.. Fact: Did you know that Clare Potter was known for her innovative styles? Clearly, her legacy lives on in the eclectic choices of laundry basket enthusiasts everywhere..