JANUARY 3, 1999

Full News Archive

• Headline: The Hidden Costs of Childhood Cancer Survival. Impact: As childhood cancer patients survive, a butterfly flaps its wings and suddenly we have a generation of adults who are secretly plotting to take over the world—armed with medical problems and a vendetta against all things health insurance-related.. Fact: Did you know that the survival rate for childhood cancer has improved drastically since the 1970s? Too bad surviving doesn't come with a manual on how to navigate the long-term side effects!.
• Headline: Evolution of Mental Health Treatments. Impact: Students learn about mental illness treatments and suddenly decide they want to become therapists, inadvertently leading to a global shortage of therapists due to the influx of emotional baggage in the world.. Fact: Fun fact: The history of mental illness treatment is so wild, it could easily be a Netflix series—complete with dramatic reenactments and questionable fashion choices..
• Headline: Exploring a Century Through Photography. Impact: Photography exhibition opens, inspiring a thousand Instagram influencers to pick up cameras, leading to a world overrun by filtered selfies and a collective longing for the days of actual artistry.. Fact: Did you know that photography was once considered an art form? Now it’s just a way to prove you were at brunch with avocado toast..
• Headline: Scrambling to Get on Board The Issue of Bus Safety. Impact: Bus accidents prompt political posturing, leading to a wildly exaggerated sense of urgency that results in the creation of 'Bus Safety Month'—where everyone pretends to care about public transportation for 30 days.. Fact: Did you know that bus safety regulations are so convoluted, they could rival the plot of a Christopher Nolan movie?.
• Headline: What's That Sound? A Relic From the Past, Finding Its Voice Again. Impact: The dulcimer's revival sparks a folk music renaissance that somehow leads to the resurgence of plaid shirts and hipsters in coffee shops everywhere.. Fact: Did you know that the dulcimer is often referred to as the 'sweetest' instrument? Probably because it hasn’t been stuck in a garage since the 1970s—unlike every other folk instrument..
• Headline: JERSEY DIARY. Impact: A diary entry becomes a modern-day confessional, inspiring a new trend of sharing mundane life details, leading to decades of oversharing on social media.. Fact: Did you know that diaries used to be private? Now, everyone is a public figure, sharing their grocery lists and existential crises for likes..
• Headline: North Korea's Hardening Line on U.S. Raises Fear of New Crisis. Impact: North Korea's posturing sends shockwaves through international relations, leading to a never-ending cycle of diplomatic talks that are about as productive as herding cats.. Fact: Did you know that North Korea has a whole propaganda department dedicated to making their leaders look like heroes? Spoiler alert: It's not working..
• Headline: THE GUIDE. Impact: Cultural events roundup leads to a sudden spike in weekend plans, resulting in a mass panic as people scramble to decide between art galleries and food festivals.. Fact: Fun fact: The guide to cultural events is basically a modern-day treasure map for introverts looking for a reason to stay home..