DECEMBER 13, 1998

Full News Archive

• Headline: Artistic Journey of Glassworks by Porter. Impact: If art truly took over where science began, we might now be living in a world where glass sculptures are considered advanced technology, and physicists are just artists with calculators. Who knew the future would be so fragile?. Fact: Fun fact: Priscilla Manning Porter's glass stars are so beautiful that they can spark existential crises in the most stoic viewers. Just don’t ask them about their feelings on gravity..
• Headline: Exploring Piri's Grill Cuisine. Impact: Joanne Starkey's review of seafood could have inadvertently led to a worldwide obsession with seafood-themed reality TV. We can only thank her for the 'Prawn Wars' franchise that followed. Who knew crustaceans had such dramatic flair?. Fact: Ever wonder why seafood is so popular? It's probably because fish don't have to pay rent, unlike the rest of us. Talk about a catch!.
• Headline: Exploring Black Identity Through Art. Impact: This review might have catalyzed discussions about race and identity that spanned decades, ultimately leading to a global appreciation for more diverse narratives, which ironically might still exclude your favorite character from that one movie.. Fact: The Unmapped Body exhibit was so profound that it left viewers questioning their own existence. Spoiler: it’s not about the body—it’s about the snacks at the opening reception..
• Headline: Frostbite Racers Take to Water Just for Chill of It. Impact: The frostbite racers, in their quest for chilly thrills, might have inspired a new Olympic sport: Extreme Ice Boating. Just imagine the sponsorship deals with hand warmers and hot chocolate brands!. Fact: Frostbite racing is the only sport where you can literally freeze your assets while still claiming to be 'chillin' on the water.'.
• Headline: When Islanders Return And Find a New World. Impact: The return of Islanders from abroad could have kickstarted an ongoing trend of 'New World' nostalgia, leading to future generations creating elaborate myths about their hometowns that are 90% untrue.. Fact: Long Island changes so frequently that one day, it might just float away and become its own state. Good luck getting a passport for that!.
• Headline: Paper-Loving Culture Welcomes a Master's Work. Impact: Alan Shields’ retrospective could have sparked an international art movement where paper became the new canvas for revolution, leading to a world where every office worker is a secret artist. Brace yourself for the paper-cut revolution!. Fact: The only thing more fragile than paper is the ego of someone who just got their art critique. It's a thin line, really..
• Headline: Safir Says DNA Proposal Would Cut Property Crime. Impact: Safir's DNA proposal could have inadvertently launched a reality show where criminals compete to see who can evade capture the longest, turning crime into a spectator sport. Coming soon to a network near you!. Fact: Taking DNA samples from everyone arrested is just another way to say, 'Welcome to the future, where privacy is as extinct as the dodo.'.
• Headline: A Megachurch Takes Shape in Bloomfield. Impact: With Bloomfield's megachurch, we might now have an entirely new wave of mega-religion-themed tourism, where the faithful flock to see the latest in church architecture, complete with its own gift shop.. Fact: Building the biggest church is just a holy way of saying, 'We have more seating than your last family reunion.'.