NOVEMBER 29, 1998

Full News Archive

• Headline: Exploring Emotion Through Poetry. Impact: Alicia Suskin's poetry book becomes a cult favorite among hipsters, leading to an explosion of coffee shops that serve overpriced lattes named after her poems. One accidental sip leads to the rise of avocado toast, and thus the hipster apocalypse begins.. Fact: Did you know that if you read poetry while sipping a latte, you automatically become 20% more pretentious? It’s science..
• Headline: Nightlife in Westchester County's Wee Hours. Impact: This late-night scene inspires a nationwide trend of all-night diners where people share their most existential thoughts over cold chili. This ultimately leads to the invention of the midnight taco truck and the inevitable ‘Taco Tuesday’ becoming a national holiday.. Fact: Fun fact: The average adult thinks about food every 37 seconds. But in Westchester, it’s every 15 seconds—especially if chili is involved..
• Headline: Public Schools Confronting Issue of Racial Preferences. Impact: This debate leads to a dramatic shift in educational policies that eventually culminates in every parent becoming a self-appointed education expert on social media, leading to a generation of children with severe confusion over their own identities.. Fact: Did you know that parental complaints about school policies can result in more drama than an entire season of reality TV? Welcome to ‘Real Parents of Public Schools.’.
• Headline: Bucolic or Upsetting, Suburbs as Locus. Impact: William Zimmer’s review inspires a wave of suburban art exhibitions that unintentionally lead to a rise in suburban angst, resulting in an underground movement of artists who only create works depicting lawn maintenance.. Fact: Suburban art is often described as ‘bucolic’—which is just a fancy word for ‘we have nothing better to do than stare at grass.’.
• Headline: Rates Continue to Slip. Impact: The drop in mortgage rates inspires a flurry of home-buying that results in a housing bubble so inflated that it eventually leads to a nationwide shortage of bubble wrap—causing panic and chaos in packing departments everywhere.. Fact: Did you know that a 0.03% drop in mortgage rates is about as exciting as watching paint dry? But hey, at least the paint will stay dry!.
• Headline: Emery Mine Owner Goes Head to Head With Town. Impact: George Pacchiana’s dispute with the town over the emery mine becomes a landmark case that sparks a new era of land dispute television shows, leading to a cultural obsession with property wars that results in the phrase ‘Mine’s bigger than yours’ becoming a common playground taunt.. Fact: Land disputes have been the cause of more drama than any soap opera, proving once again that people care more about dirt than their neighbors..
• Headline: University Head and Wife Spin Out CD's. Impact: Joan and David Steinberg’s decision to produce CDs instead of leading separate lives leads to a bizarre trend of couples forming bands, resulting in a wave of ‘couple’s therapy through music’ that only serves to irritate the rest of the world.. Fact: Did you know that producing a CD together can be a great way to learn about your partner’s annoying habits? Spoiler: It usually involves awful taste in music..
• Headline: THE GUIDE. Impact: The weekly cultural guide becomes a must-read, leading to an unprecedented rise in the culture of ‘guides’ that ultimately results in guide fatigue, where people start judging their lives by how many guides they’ve read instead of experiences they’ve had.. Fact: If you’ve ever felt overwhelmed by guides on how to live your best life, congratulations! You’ve officially entered the paradox of choice—where you can’t even choose your own choices..
• Headline: Flora, Fauna And Fettuccine. Impact: Capsule reviews of Bronx restaurants inadvertently lead to a rise in ‘food tourism’, where people start traveling for the sole purpose of trying fettuccine, giving rise to the phrase ‘I came for the pasta, but stayed for the Instagram photos.’. Fact: Did you know that fettuccine is just a fancy Italian term for ‘I’m too lazy to cook’? And Bronx restaurants are where the magic happens!.