NOVEMBER 27, 1998

Full News Archive

• Headline: Interpreter for Stalin Passes Away at 82. Impact: Berezhkov's unique ability to interpret for Stalin and his pals likely set off a chain reaction of miscommunication that led to some very interesting diplomatic misunderstandings, possibly even the invention of the 'lost in translation' meme. Fact: Stalin once said, 'I don't trust anyone who hasn't been a little bit misunderstood.' Clearly, he and Berezhkov were on the same wavelength.
• Headline: Vikings Triumph Over Cowboys in High-Scoring Duel. Impact: With the Vikings' victory, the NFL may have inadvertently fueled the rise of an obscure cult that believes the team is the reincarnation of Norse warriors, leading to a series of questionable rituals involving horns and mead. Fact: The last time the Vikings won big, they didn't actually conquer any new land, but they did win a lot of hearts—mostly in Minnesota.
• Headline: Bernie Wohl's Last Thanksgiving Dinner. Impact: Wohl's retirement at the Thanksgiving dinner could have sparked a nationwide trend of community centers suddenly realizing they need to hire a new executive director, leading to an epidemic of awkward interviews involving turkey and stuffing. Fact: Thanksgiving dinners are the only time when it's socially acceptable to ask someone to pass the gravy while also discussing their retirement plans.
• Headline: Sports of The Times; Recalling Red's Wit And Modesty. Impact: Red Holzman's witty coaching style likely inspired future generations of coaches to sprinkle humor into their playbooks, resulting in the first-ever comedy routine performed during a time-out. Fact: Red Holzman knew the secret to basketball: it’s not just about the shots you make, but also how many dad jokes you can tell during the game.
• Headline: Coolio Thrills German Fans With Gangsta Or Theft Rap. Impact: Coolio’s courtroom antics may have inadvertently inspired a new genre of courtroom rap battles, where defendants drop rhymes instead of just their defenses. Who knew legal issues could be so catchy?. Fact: Coolio's most famous lyric might just be the best legal advice: 'Keep it gangsta, but also keep it clean.'.
• Headline: Elmer Wavering, 91, Pioneer Of Auto Electronics, Is Dead. Impact: Wavering's invention of the car radio transformed road trips forever, leading to family arguments over who gets to choose the playlist—because nothing says 'togetherness' like bickering over music. Fact: Before car radios, road trips were just an endless cycle of 'Are we there yet?' and 'Shh, I’m trying to think!'.
• Headline: Spanish Judge Is Hoping To See Secret Files in U.S.. Impact: Garzon’s quest to access secret files may have inspired a new wave of conspiracy theorists who now believe that the U.S. government is hiding a treasure map among the files, leading to the Great File Heist of 2023. Fact: Accessing secret files is like a game of hide and seek, but instead of counting, you have to bribe a bureaucrat with donuts.
• Headline: George McNew, 90, Botanist Who Led Research Institute. Impact: McNew's research could have inadvertently led to the creation of plants that one day take over the world, proving that plant pathologists might actually be the real villain in our future dystopian novels. Fact: Botanists have long known that talking to your plants helps them grow, but nobody warned us that they might also start plotting world domination.
• Headline: William Taylor Miller, 87, Organic Chemist. Impact: Miller's contributions to the atomic bomb may have shifted the course of future scientific research towards more peaceful applications of chemistry, though we still have a long way to go before we see a unicorn-powered reactor. Fact: Chemistry can be explosive—just ask anyone who forgot to wear goggles during a lab experiment!.