NOVEMBER 20, 1998

Full News Archive

• Headline: Fleet Acquires Sanwa's American Lending Unit. Impact: If Fleet hadn't decided to buy Sanwa's American lending unit, who knows? The financial crisis could have been delayed by a few more months, giving bankers just enough time to invent even more convoluted financial instruments to confuse everyone.. Fact: Sanwa's bad loans were so notorious that they were practically the financial equivalent of a bad haircut—everyone knew it was there, but nobody wanted to talk about it..
• Headline: Investigation Into Vote Fraud Allegations. Impact: This inquiry into vote fraud could have led to a nationwide trend of honest voting… but then again, we all know how that turned out. Spoiler alert: it didn't.. Fact: Vote fraud in municipal unions is about as shocking as finding out your cat brings home dead mice—it's just part of the job description..
• Headline: Journey of Hope and Self-Discovery. Impact: This journey of hope and self-discovery might have inspired a new genre of literature where grumpy adults learn to love again, possibly leading to a surge in self-help books that flood the market.. Fact: They say that every good story begins with a reluctant protagonist; it’s just too bad that real life doesn’t follow that script..
• Headline: The Walls Have Ears, and Eyes and Cameras. Impact: The assassination cover-up is a classic case of 'the walls have ears'—after this, everyone started to think twice about what they said in public, leading to a surge in awkward silences.. Fact: With all those eyes and cameras around, you'd think they could at least catch a decent selfie. Instead, they just caught a conspiracy..
• Headline: Japan's Ruling Party Agrees To Coalition With Archrival. Impact: The coalition between Japan's ruling party and its archrival is a classic case of 'if you can't beat them, join them'—and probably led to more confused voters wondering who they actually supported.. Fact: Political coalitions are like an awkward family reunion; everyone puts on a smile, but you know there’s tension under the surface..
• Headline: While Boston Points Fingers, Hartford Claps Hands in Glee; The 'Magic Dust' for Redevelopment. Impact: If the Patriots had moved to Hartford, it might have sparked a whole new era of sports loyalty—imagine fans wearing Hartford gear instead of Boston, changing the course of sports history forever.. Fact: Hartford's renaissance was so anticipated that even the pigeons were saving for season tickets..
• Headline: Schumer, in Unique Role, May Get 3 Impeachment Votes. Impact: Schumer's potential three impeachment votes could have led to a new standard where Congress members just vote on everything three times, just to be sure. Imagine the chaos!. Fact: Voting three times doesn't increase your chances of being correct; it just makes you look really, really indecisive..
• Headline: Some Digital Services Face 5% U.S. Tax. Impact: The 5% tax on digital services is the government's way of ensuring that while technology evolves, so does their ability to squeeze every last cent out of it—like squeezing juice from a rock.. Fact: Taxing digital services is a bit like trying to catch smoke with your bare hands; good luck with that!.
• Headline: Williams Companies Plans Stock Offering. Impact: Williams Companies planning a stock offering could have led to the birth of a new wave of fiber optic innovation, or just a lot of disappointed investors wondering where their money went.. Fact: Fiber optics are so fast that if they were a person, they'd be that one friend who shows up late to every dinner party but still manages to eat all the food..