NOVEMBER 19, 1998

Full News Archive

• Headline: Beijing Expels Foreign Journalists Amid Tensions. Impact: This expulsion sparked a secret society of reporters who, instead of gathering news, began to gather conspiracy theories about why they were so unwelcome. This led to the invention of the world's first underground newspaper, which only circulated in coffee shops and basements.. Fact: Did you know that during the Cold War, journalists were considered spies? So, in a way, getting expelled for possessing 'secret documents' is just a throwback to those good ol' days of espionage!.
• Headline: Jersey City Teachers Avoid Strike Negotiations. Impact: These negotiations set off a chain reaction where teachers worldwide began to realize they could actually negotiate for better pay, leading to an educational renaissance. Unfortunately, this also led to students asking for increased recess time, which has yet to be resolved.. Fact: Did you know that the only thing more dramatic than a teachers' strike is watching a cat video? Yeah, they both have the same level of intensity but one involves way more paperwork..
• Headline: Patriots Move Announcement to Hartford. Impact: The Patriots' move caused a ripple effect that led to the rise of 'football tourism' in Hartford, which subsequently led to an embarrassing number of people thinking they were in Massachusetts when they were actually just a few miles away.. Fact: Did you know Hartford was once considered the insurance capital of the world? Because nothing says excitement like insurance and football combined!.
• Headline: Spitzer Has Thin Lead as Vote Counting Nears End. Impact: This nail-biting election led to an influx of political thriller writers who thought they could cash in on the drama. Spoiler alert: they were wrong, and the only thriller that emerged was the suspense of who would actually count the votes.. Fact: Did you know that in politics, a 'thin lead' is often just code for 'we're really not sure what’s going on?' Sounds familiar, right?.
• Headline: Bonilla Feels Less Pressure Upon Return. Impact: Bobby Bonilla's laid-back return set a new standard for professional athletes' mental health. This inspired a wave of 'chill' sports contracts, where players could take months off just to 'feel their feelings.'. Fact: Did you know that Bobby Bonilla is famously paid by the Mets every July 1st, even years after he stopped playing? Now that’s what I call a long-term investment in procrastination!.
• Headline: Tiptoeing Mournfully Through A Cemetery. Impact: This review of 'Waiting for Godot' brought existentialism to the forefront of American theater, leading to a surge of people questioning the meaning of life... while simultaneously enjoying popcorn at the movies.. Fact: Did you know that 'Waiting for Godot' is often considered a masterpiece of absurdism? So, if you’re feeling a little lost, just remember: at least you’re not waiting for a fictional character in a bleak play!.