OCTOBER 10, 1998

Full News Archive

• Headline: Bipartisan Tax-Cut Package in Congress. Impact: If Congress actually nailed down a bipartisan tax cut, it could lead to a world where politicians work together more often. Imagine a timeline where they high-five instead of throwing chairs! Next thing you know, unicorns start appearing in Washington.. Fact: Did you know that bipartisan support is like Bigfoot? Everyone claims to have seen it, but evidence is a bit sketchy..
• Headline: Chang Chong-Jen: Tintin's Inspiration Passes Away. Impact: The passing of Chang Chong-Jen could lead to a sudden appreciation for art and culture, inspiring a generation of artists to find their own muses, resulting in a future where every comic character has a backstory deeper than a kiddie pool.. Fact: Did you know that Tintin never actually aged? He’s like that one friend who still acts like a teenager at 40..
• Headline: Pioneering Geneticist Joseph F. Speyer Passes Away. Impact: Joseph F. Speyer's contributions to genetics might spark a future where people can choose their kids' traits like building a perfect sandwich. Just wait until 'designer babies' become the next fashion trend!. Fact: Did you know that in the world of genetics, mutations can lead to superpowers? Too bad nobody's figured out how to manifest those abilities in real life yet..
• Headline: Judge Allows Detainees to Sue I.N.S. Officials. Impact: This ruling could be the spark for a revolution against the system! Next thing you know, detainees are banding together to form a rock band called 'The Asylum Seekers,' complete with a world tour.. Fact: Did you know that suing the government can sometimes take longer than a snail crossing a finish line? At least the snail has a chance of winning..
• Headline: Killer Blames His Therapist, and Jury Agrees. Impact: If the jury’s decision stands, it could open the floodgates for all sorts of lawsuits. Soon, every person in North Carolina will be blaming their problems on their therapist. 'I wouldn’t have stubbed my toe, Dr. Jones!'. Fact: Did you know that the term 'insanity defense' is actually just a really fancy way of saying, 'I don’t want to take responsibility for my bad decisions'?.
• Headline: Yen's Rise Against Dollar Is Threatening Japanese Exports. Impact: If the yen keeps rising, Japan might have to resort to selling their high-tech gadgets at yard sales. Just imagine the chaos when Americans start haggling over the latest PlayStation!. Fact: Did you know that currency exchange rates fluctuate more than a soap opera plot? One minute you're rich, and the next you're wondering if you can afford instant ramen..
• Headline: Inquiry Grows Into Spending By City Unions. Impact: If this investigation leads to actual reforms, it could inspire a nationwide movement against corruption, leading to a future where all municipal workers wear capes and fight for justice. We might as well call it 'The Tax Crusaders.'. Fact: Did you know that corruption investigations often go slower than a turtle on tranquilizers? At least the turtle has a good excuse for being slow..
• Headline: The Roar of the Accountants; The Strange Last Days of a Theater Impresario's Reign. Impact: As the stock market fluctuates, it could lead to a future where people start treating their investments like a popular reality TV show. 'Will the Dow Jones stay loyal, or will Nasdaq break up with him this week?'. Fact: Did you know that Wall Street traders have more mood swings than a teenager? One minute they're elated, and the next, they're crying in their portfolios..