SEPTEMBER 26, 1998

Full News Archive

• Headline: Soros Boosts Investment in Venezuelan Real Estate. Impact: Soros' real estate dealings in Venezuela led to a bizarre chain of events where every time someone bought avocado toast in Brooklyn, a local hipster would suddenly feel the urge to invest in a Venezuelan property, thinking it was the next 'hot' trend. Spoiler: it wasn't. Fact: George Soros is like the Monopoly man of global investing—minus the top hat, but definitely with the controversial backstory.
• Headline: Remembering James Lavenson: Hotel Industry Pioneer. Impact: James Lavenson's departure from the world meant that one less marketing genius was out there trying to convince us that we need to buy more useless stuff. Little did we know, his absence led to the rise of influencers who somehow managed to market even more useless stuff. Fact: The Plaza Hotel has seen its fair share of marketing gimmicks, but nothing compares to the time they tried to sell rooms based on the idea that guests could channel Eloise, the fictional character. Spoiler alert: it didn’t work.
• Headline: New Yorkers Miss Home After Moving West. Impact: As New Yorkers fled to find better lives, they inadvertently created a booming market for overpriced 'I miss New York' merchandise. Who knew homesickness could be so profitable?. Fact: Homesickness is a real thing, but I suppose it’s much easier to deal with when there’s a Starbucks on every corner to drown your sorrows in overpriced coffee.
• Headline: Backlash at Republicans Raises Hopes. Impact: The backlash against the Republicans turned out to be a delightful game of political Whac-A-Mole, where every time they tried to hit back, a new scandal would pop up, prolonging the circus that was the Clinton presidency. Fact: Clinton's presidency was like a long-running soap opera—full of drama, unexpected twists, and a cast of characters that would make any reality show envious.
• Headline: Charges of Research Fraud Arise at a Cornell AIDS Lab. Impact: The charges of research fraud at Cornell turned out to be the catalyst for a sci-fi movie plot about rogue scientists creating a virus that turns people into lab rats. Irony is not lost on us. Fact: Cornell’s reputation took a hit, but I guess it’s hard to keep it squeaky clean when you’re playing with viruses like they’re Pokémon.
• Headline: Killer Hurricane Slams Into Keys. Impact: Hurricane Georges made landfall, and in an ironic twist, sparked a surge of people investing in hurricane-proof homes, leading to an entire industry dedicated to selling overpriced concrete bunkers disguised as luxury villas. Fact: Hurricanes have the uncanny ability to ruin lives and make insurance companies a whole lot richer. It’s like they’re the ultimate two-for-one deal.
• Headline: Tolerance and the Generation Gap. Impact: The generational divide in opinions about Monica Lewinsky led to a social media phenomenon decades later, where young women began using the phrase 'What would Monica do?' as a guiding principle in their lives. Spoiler: it involved a lot of empowerment. Fact: The younger generation's acceptance of Lewinsky is so casual that I half expect them to start a podcast about '90s scandals called 'Tea Time with Monica.'.
• Headline: Sosa Fires First Shot In the Fourth. Impact: Sosa hitting his 66th home run became a pivotal moment that led to a nationwide debate about whether baseball is more exciting than watching paint dry. Spoiler: it wasn’t. Fact: Sammy Sosa’s home runs are like the stock market—full of ups, downs, and the occasional scandal thrown in for good measure.
• Headline: Lawmaker Uses Own Experience to Urge Measured Approach. Impact: Rep. Hastings' experience with impeachment led to the creation of a new political reality show called 'Impeachment: Reality Check,' where lawmakers compete to outdo each other in scandals while trying to look innocent. Fact: Hastings’ career could be a lesson in how to fall from grace and then bounce back—like a political version of a cat with nine lives.