AUGUST 31, 1998

Full News Archive

• Headline: Toms River Celebrates Little League Victory. Impact: The Toms River Little League victory inspired a generation of kids to believe they could achieve anything, including becoming professional meme creators instead of athletes.. Fact: Did you know that little league champs often get parades, but adult league champs just get a pizza party? Life really knows how to keep things fair..
• Headline: Losing Ground, Even In His Own Party. Impact: Fieger's declining popularity opened the door for a future in which political debates are replaced by reality TV competitions. Who knew 'Survivor: Political Edition' would be a hit?. Fact: Did you know that losing ground in politics is just code for 'I’m trying to convince my mom I’m still a good candidate'?.
• Headline: Northwest Says Its Final Offer Really Is Final. Impact: Northwest Airlines' standoff with pilots led to the creation of a new form of negotiation called 'The Airline Shuffle', where pilots and management dance around each other until someone gets dizzy.. Fact: Fun fact: Airlines are the only businesses where 'final offer' means 'let's keep talking until you’re really tired of me.'.
• Headline: Behind Hate Speech, an Enigma; Youth March Leader's Past Is Rife With Contradictions. Impact: Khalid Abdul Muhammad's contradictions caused a ripple effect in media coverage, leading to the future invention of 'Contradiction Bingo' at political events—because who doesn’t love a good game?. Fact: Did you know that being an enigma is just a trendy way of saying 'I have no idea what I’m doing'?.
• Headline: Polls Give Incumbent A Reason to Worry. Impact: Senator Moseley-Braun’s struggles would eventually inspire a whole new genre of political dramas where candidates dramatically lose their cool in every episode.. Fact: Did you know that polls are just an elaborate way of saying, 'Let’s take a random guess at how many people like you today'?.