AUGUST 13, 1998

Full News Archive

• Headline: Democrats Battle for Boston Congressional Seat. Impact: This little squabble over who can be the most liberal led to an endless loop of Democratic primaries where candidates tried to out-liberal each other, ultimately resulting in a reality TV show where they all fight over who can hug the most trees.. Fact: Did you know that in a place where everyone is a liberal, the only thing more inflated than egos is the price of organic kale?.
• Headline: Small Investors Stand Firm Amid Market Turmoil. Impact: The steadfastness of small investors in a market crash led to a new financial strategy called 'just holding on for dear life'—which is basically the same as waiting for the next season of your favorite show.. Fact: In the world of finance, being steadfast is just code for 'holding onto your money while watching it disappear slowly.'.
• Headline: The Clintons Shop Architects. Impact: The Clintons shopping for architects set off a chain reaction that led to hundreds of mediocre architects suddenly thinking they could win a Nobel Prize for their designs of libraries no one would visit.. Fact: When the Clintons pick an architect, it’s not just about aesthetics; it’s about making sure there’s ample space for all that presidential memorabilia—like old campaign buttons and regrets..
• Headline: G.O.P. Senator Sees Victory in Colorado as Signal to Moderates. Impact: Senator Campbell's victory prompted a wave of moderate Republicans to suddenly think they could still win elections, leading to a series of awkward debates about whether being moderate is just a fancy way of saying 'I can't make up my mind.'. Fact: Political victories are like fashion trends; they change faster than you can say 'bipartisan breakfast.'.
• Headline: Rabbis Stir Furor by Helping 'Chained Women' to Leave Husbands. Impact: The rabbinical furor over 'chained women' sparked debates that would echo through the ages, reminding us that even religious institutions have their own version of soap operas—complete with drama, intrigue, and possibly a reality show spin-off.. Fact: In religious circles, a 'furor' is just a fancy way to say people are really, really upset about something nobody else cares about..
• Headline: Toughening Stand on Weapons, Iraq Foils Long-Term Monitoring. Impact: Iraq's tough stance on arms inspections led to global tensions that would take decades to unravel, proving once again that when it comes to international diplomacy, playing hardball is just a euphemism for escalating conflicts.. Fact: In international relations, 'long-term monitoring' is like saying 'we'll keep an eye on that'—but we all know that means 'let's ignore this until it explodes.'.