AUGUST 10, 1998

Full News Archive

• Headline: Golden Books Faces Financial Woes. Impact: Golden Books' financial woes led to a massive influx of 'how not to run a business' seminars across the nation, which ironically turned into a thriving industry for consultants who barely passed 8th grade math.. Fact: Richard E Snyder's pay package made him the highest-paid 'loser' in history—proof that while you can lose money, you can also win at life... if you have the right connections..
• Headline: Exploring Patriotism in Saving Private Ryan. Impact: The revival of patriotic war films led to a spike in American flag sales, resulting in a nationwide shortage of fabric, causing a hipster revolution where people started wearing flags as clothing. You can thank Spielberg for that trend.. Fact: Saving Private Ryan's intense realism had such an impact that some audience members reportedly thought they were being drafted after seeing it. Spoiler alert: they weren't..
• Headline: EXPERTS STARTING SEARCH FOR CLUES IN KENYA BOMBING. Impact: The investigation into the Kenya bombing eventually led to the rise of an entirely new genre of spy novels, where authors tried to outsmart real-life intelligence officers, resulting in a market saturated with overly ambitious plots and too many red herrings.. Fact: This bombing investigation was so extensive that it inspired a new reality TV show called 'CSI: Nairobi'—because who doesn't love a good crime show with a side of international relations?.
• Headline: A Rally and a Victory Just Come Naturally. Impact: The Yankees' victory over the Royals set off a chain reaction where every subsequent win led to irrational levels of confidence among fans, resulting in a wave of overzealous tattoos and 'Yankee Nation' clothing lines that now flood flea markets.. Fact: A 5-4 win is practically a nail-biter in baseball! Imagine if they had lost; the Yankees might have had to hold a support group for devastated fans..
• Headline: Political Briefing; Politicians Gallop And Run for Votes. Impact: The primaries in Colorado initiated a trend where politicians began using racehorses for their campaigns, making 'galloping for votes' a literal statement. This caused a rise in horse ownership among politicians who thought they could ride their way to victory.. Fact: Ben Nighthorse Campbell's name sounds like a character from a Western movie. If only he could ride a horse into the Senate, maybe things would get more exciting during congressional sessions..
• Headline: Metro Matters; Bargain Hunt: Just Shopping, No Sex, Please. Impact: The zoning law battle over sex shops in NYC sparked a nationwide debate on morality and business that led to the rise of pop-up 'adult' stores in cornfields, where farmers also doubled as 'gentlemen's club' owners.. Fact: Giuliani's crackdown on sex shops was so intense that it made 'shopping without sex' a trendy lifestyle choice. Talk about a major plot twist in retail therapy!.
• Headline: Quest Races Into 3-Year-Old Title Picture. Impact: Coronado's Quest's win prompted a wave of horse racing movies, making 'underdog horse' the new trope in Hollywood, leading to the eventual rise of a film about a horse who becomes a world-famous chef—because why not?. Fact: Haskell Stakes may sound like a law firm, but it’s actually just a horse race! Imagine if horses had lawyers; we’d have a real legal race on our hands..