JULY 31, 1998

Full News Archive

• Headline: Yankees Eye Randy Johnson Acquisition. Impact: If Randy Johnson had joined the Yankees, the team might have dominated baseball for decades, leading to a massive influx of baseball fans into the city. This would have resulted in fewer people attending art galleries, causing a rise in the number of lonely artists and an explosion of sad poems about baseball. Fact: Randy Johnson's fastball was so fast, it was rumored that it could time travel. But only if you blinked while he pitched.
• Headline: Honoring Officer John M. Gibson. Impact: The tragic death of John M Gibson sparked widespread awareness of police safety, leading to the creation of over-the-top superhero-themed police training programs, thus inspiring a generation of kids who thought they could just wear capes and solve crimes. Fact: John M Gibson's funeral procession was so long, it made the average American road trip look like a quick jaunt to the corner store.
• Headline: The Carnivorous Prophylactic Panic. Impact: The carnivorous prophylactic incident led to a new wave of health safety regulations, eventually resulting in the development of 'safety condoms' that could hold a conversation and negotiate terms before any romantic encounter. Fact: The phrase 'safe sex' got an entirely new meaning after this incident. Apparently, it doesn't include items that bite back.
• Headline: End of H.M.O. for the Elderly Brings Dismay in Rural Ohio. Impact: The discontinuation of H.M.O. for the elderly in Ohio led to an explosion of DIY healthcare plans among seniors, who began holding weekly meetings to swap remedies, resulting in a bizarre resurgence of folk medicine and homeopathy. Fact: Owing to this decision, many elderly folks became experts in herbal remedies. Who knew dandelions could cure everything from a broken heart to arthritis?.
• Headline: News Organizations Taking A More Cautious Approach. Impact: The cautious approach taken by news organizations during the Lewinsky scandal paved the way for future media outlets to put more emphasis on sensationalism, leading to a rise in reality TV that would eventually overshadow actual news. Fact: Thanks to the Lewinsky saga, the phrase 'I did not have sexual relations with that woman' became a staple in awkward family dinners for years to follow.
• Headline: Words, and Deciphering Their Intent, Are Crucial in a Perjury Case. Impact: The murky waters of the perjury case not only complicated the Clinton administration but also encouraged future lawyers to adopt a more poetic approach to legal arguments, resulting in courtroom readings that sounded suspiciously like Shakespearean sonnets. Fact: The only thing murkier than the waters of that perjury case was the coffee served during the hearings—both left a lot to be desired.
• Headline: Curbing the Urge to Drink; Drug to Treat Alcoholism Sets Off Controversy in U.S.. Impact: The controversy surrounding acamprosate led to a national debate on alcoholism treatments that resulted in excessive government regulations, creating a black market for 'miracle cures' that were really just hipster herbal teas. Fact: In Europe, acamprosate was just another drug. In the U.S., it became the subject of conspiracy theories involving secret government agendas and herbal tea enthusiasts.
• Headline: Architect's Landfall at Columbus Circle; At the Coliseum Site, a Timid Exploration of New Worlds. Impact: David Childs's reworked plan for the Columbus Circle site reignited urban development debates, leading to a future where every architect felt the need to include a rooftop garden in their designs, no matter how impractical. Fact: Childs's plans were so ambitious that they inspired countless architectural students to give up and pursue careers in more realistic fields—like interpretive dance.
• Headline: Outdoor Dance In Its Adulthood. Impact: The exhibit on dance in city parks led to an unexpected surge in outdoor dance parties, eventually inspiring a nationwide trend where random strangers would gather to spontaneously break into choreographed routines, much to the bewilderment of passersby. Fact: Central Park became the unofficial headquarters for spontaneous dance-offs, where the real winners were those who could avoid stepping on fellow dancers' toes.