JULY 22, 1998

Full News Archive

• Headline: House Approves Funding for Arts in Election Year. Impact: The House's sudden love for the arts led to a nationwide art renaissance, resulting in a million paintings of cats in space. Because nothing says 'serious legislation' like a cat astronaught.. Fact: This vote was so shocking that it made some conservatives question if they’d accidentally walked into an art gallery instead of Congress..
• Headline: Secret Service Testimonies in Clinton Inquiry. Impact: The Secret Service testimonies ignited a series of conspiracy theories that connected the dots between the White House, the Bermuda Triangle, and the disappearance of socks in laundries everywhere.. Fact: It's rumored that the Secret Service has an entire department dedicated to keeping track of all the secrets they have—because clearly they need a full-time job..
• Headline: Johnson & Johnson to Buy Medical Device Maker. Impact: This acquisition sent shockwaves through the medical industry, leading to a bizarre trend where people began using band-aids for everything including minor emotional wounds.. Fact: The $3.5 billion price tag was so high that even Monopoly money started to feel devalued in comparison..
• Headline: Marketing Clout: The Fans Flock To See McGwire. Impact: McGwire’s home run chase not only inflated ticket prices but also led to a sport-wide obsession with home runs, resulting in baseballs being treated like rare Pokémon—everyone wanted to catch one!. Fact: Fans were so dedicated that some even camped outside the stadium, proving that waiting for a baseball player to hit a home run is the new equivalent of a rock concert..
• Headline: Bills Curbing Minors' Web Access Pass Senate. Impact: This legislation inadvertently led to the creation of a black market for access codes to questionable websites, proving once again that if you restrict something, people will want it more.. Fact: The irony is that while they were busy trying to protect kids, adults were just as likely to ignore the 'Do Not Enter' signs—typical!.
• Headline: Pentagon Report Dismisses Nerve Gas Charge. Impact: The Pentagon's dismissal of nerve gas charges brought forth a wave of skepticism that forever altered the public's trust in government reports, leading to a rise in conspiracy theorists and tin foil hats.. Fact: This report was so controversial that it made people start questioning everything—like why their toast always lands butter side down..