JULY 19, 1998

Full News Archive

• Headline: Patricia Brooks Revisits Spazzi Restaurant. Impact: Patricia Brooks' review of Spazzi restaurant sparked a culinary revolution that led to an international food fight, where chefs across the globe donned aprons and threw spaghetti at each other to defend their honor. It’s a messy world out there. Fact: Did you know that people have been reviewing restaurants since the dawn of civilization? The first review was written on a stone tablet and described a particularly soggy loaf of bread.
• Headline: Exploring Rafi Zabor's Literary Journey. Impact: Rafi Zabor's struggle for recognition led to the creation of a secret society of underappreciated authors who meet in basements, plotting revenge through poorly received sequels. Fact: Fun fact: The PEN/Faulkner Award is so prestigious that it comes with a complimentary existential crisis for the winners.
• Headline: Of Mr. Jefferson, the Douglas Fir and Others. Impact: Joan Lee Faust’s garden column inadvertently inspired a global trend where people began naming their pets after plants, leading to a surge in cats named 'Dandelion' and dogs called 'Juniper'. Fact: Did you know that the Douglas Fir once auditioned for a role in a Christmas movie but got overshadowed by a more charismatic pine?.
• Headline: A Grand Garden Re-emerges, Dedicated to Its Original Laborers. Impact: The refurbishment of Hamilton Q Twombly's garden led to a sudden rise in garden gnomes across America, as people believed they were the true guardians of nature. Spoiler alert: they are not. Fact: The original purpose of garden gnomes was to ward off evil spirits, but it seems they’d rather just hang out and sip on fake lemonade.
• Headline: An Everyday Hero. Impact: Brenda Palmer’s recognition as an everyday hero inspired countless other crossing guards to don capes and claim 'hero' status, while actual superheroes were left scratching their heads. Fact: Fun fact: Crossing guards are statistically more heroic than most comic book characters, simply because they deal with impatient parents and sugar-fueled children on a daily basis.
• Headline: Backtalk; Protecting Swordfish and Fishers. Impact: The conservation efforts for swordfishing unintentionally led to a fish uprising, where swordfish demanded equal rights and a seat at the table during dinner discussions. Fact: Did you know that swordfish can actually swim at speeds of up to 60 mph? That's faster than most people can order takeout!.
• Headline: Weren't They a Pair? Stars Worthy of the Name. Impact: The review of the 'Noel and Gertie' production prompted a revival of interest in classic theater, causing a sudden increase in monocle sales as audiences attempted to look cultured. Fact: Did you know that Noel Coward was known for his quick wit? He once said that 'the only thing worse than being talked about is not being talked about.'.
• Headline: Guardians of Grandeur. Impact: The Newark Museum's security guards became so renowned for their vigilant eyes that they were later recruited for a reality show titled 'Guardians of the Gallery', which flopped after one season. Fact: Fun fact: Security guards at museums have the toughest job—protecting priceless art while trying to ignore visitors who think they can touch everything.
• Headline: 'The Swan' at the Schoolhouse. Impact: The production of 'The Swan' led to a sudden increase in public interest in avian-themed dramas, resulting in a bizarre wave of theatrical performances featuring ducks that took Broadway by storm. Fact: Did you know that swans mate for life? Unlike most relationships in the theater world, which last about as long as a bad review.