JULY 16, 1998

Full News Archive

• Headline: The Rise of Online Psychometric Testing. Impact: The proliferation of online quizzes led to a global obsession with measuring intelligence through ridiculous means. Fast forward a couple of decades and now we have people believing they can judge their worth based on what fruit they resemble. Thanks, internet!. Fact: Did you know that the first online quiz was actually a test to determine how many cat memes one could post in an hour? Spoiler: The record still stands at 57!.
• Headline: Community Flourishes on Manhattan's West Side. Impact: As developers salivated over the West Side, it set off a gentrification domino effect that eventually led to artisanal pickle shops popping up in every corner of America. Yes, folks, you can thank the humble residents of TunJav for your overpriced pickles!. Fact: Did you know the name 'TunJav' was a working title for a sitcom about quirky neighbors? It was rejected for being too realistic..
• Headline: Administration Asks Rehnquist to Bar Secret Service Testimony. Impact: The request to bar testimony led to a secret society of lawyers forming, dedicated to protecting secrets and preserving the sanctity of questionable behavior. Their motto? 'What happens in the White House, stays in the White House.'. Fact: Did you know that the Secret Service once considered using smoke bombs to distract from awkward testimonies? It was all fun and games until someone got lost in the cloud..
• Headline: Festival Review/Theater; Dilemma: Perform or Die. Impact: The success of this theater production inspired a wave of dramatic performances that eventually led to the rise of reality TV as a legitimate art form. Perform or die? How about perform for ratings?. Fact: Did you know that 'Perform or Die' was nearly the title of a blockbuster movie about a group of failing actors stuck in a haunted theater? Spoiler alert: they all died in the end..
• Headline: Apple Earnings Again Exceed Expectations. Impact: Apple's unexpected earnings led to an avalanche of tech startups trying to replicate their success, which eventually resulted in thousands of apps that nobody asked for. Thanks, Apple, for the clutter!. Fact: Did you know that Apple's original plan was to sell apples? They quickly pivoted to computers when they realized that nobody wanted a fruit with a logo on it..
• Headline: G.O.P., IN SWITCH, BACKS MORE FUNDS TO SHORE UP I.M.F.. Impact: The G.O.P.'s pivot to supporting the IMF led to an unexpected surge in economic discussions at family dinners, resulting in countless awkward silences and the invention of the 'politics-free zone' at Thanksgiving.. Fact: Did you know that the last time the G.O.P. agreed on something was over a pizza topping? Spoiler: It was pepperoni..