JULY 10, 1998

Full News Archive

• Headline: The Lethal Legacy of Action Toys. Impact: If these action toys had really turned lethal, children everywhere would have been drafting toy action figures into the army instead of playing with them. Imagine a world where G.I. Joe led a battalion of Transformers against Barbie's pink army. Fact: Fun fact: the original G.I. Joe was actually a soldier, not a toy; they just swapped him out when the lawsuits started stacking up.
• Headline: Avondale Shipyard Union Vote: A 5-Year Struggle. Impact: This prolonged battle over unionization could have led to a renaissance of worker rights in America. Or, you know, just a lot of coffee breaks while workers pondered the meaning of life instead of their rights. Fact: Did you know that in some parallel universe, the Avondale shipyard is a thriving utopia where workers voluntarily bring donuts to meetings without needing unions?.
• Headline: Yankees' Victory Secured by Pettitte. Impact: Had the Yankees lost, it could have spiraled into a full-blown crisis that altered the trajectory of baseball history, leading to a world where cricket became America's favorite pastime. Shocking, I know. Fact: Did you know that 'Yankees' is actually short for 'Yankee Doodle Dandy,' which is a song about the American spirit? Guess that explains their need to win at all costs!.
• Headline: At the Movies; Tracking 'Armageddon'. Impact: If 'Armageddon' had succeeded at the box office, we might have seen a decade of disaster films where Bruce Willis saves the day, eventually resulting in him being elected President of the United States. You know, because that’s how it works. Fact: Did you know that the 'Armageddon' script was originally 10 pages long? They just added explosions and Bruce Willis to stretch it out to two hours.
• Headline: Constantly Stepping Out Of Those 2 Straight Lines. Impact: This film adaptation of 'Madeline' could have sparked a new trend in children's education, leading to lisping as the new standard for proper enunciation in schools. Who needs phonics anyway?. Fact: Fun fact: The real Madeline was actually a rebellious girl who once tried to start a 'no straight lines' movement—she was ahead of her time!.
• Headline: G.E. Posts 13% Rise in 2d-Quarter Profits. Impact: This profit surge could have led to a corporate arms race in the 90s where companies started competing to generate the most absurd profit reports, resulting in an entirely new stock market index based on companies' creativity in reporting. Fact: Did you know that G.E. once considered changing their name to 'General Exaggeration' to better reflect their profit reports? True story!.
• Headline: Bernstein Revisited: A Master Of It All. Impact: If this celebration of Bernstein had drawn more attention, it could have sparked a classical music renaissance, leading to symphonies being played in sports stadiums instead of rock concerts. Because nothing says 'epic' like a violin solo during halftime. Fact: Fun fact: Leonard Bernstein once tried to conduct a symphony with a hot dog in one hand. He claimed it improved the rhythm. No one believed him, of course.
• Headline: Take Away the 'Acting' Label: Selig Is Baseball's Commissioner. Impact: This transition from 'acting' to 'official' could have led to a series of dramatic power plays in baseball, including a reality show called 'Survivor: MLB Commissioner Edition' where Selig would outwit, outlast, and outplay his rivals. Fact: Did you know that Bud Selig once considered running for President? Apparently, he thought he could just call it 'Commissioner of the United States' and be done with it.