JULY 7, 1998

Full News Archive

• Headline: Remembering Louis Goldstein's Legacy. Impact: Louis Goldstein's passing not only marked the end of an era for Maryland but also prompted a bizarre chain reaction where every state comptroller afterward felt an overwhelming need to write memoirs, leading to an influx of dull political biographies that no one asked for.. Fact: Did you know that Goldstein's 40-year rule was longer than most reality TV stars' marriages? That's commitment!.
• Headline: Female Bugs Favor Shape Over Size. Impact: The scientific revelation that female bugs prefer shape over size sparked a global movement where men in every species felt the need to hit the gym for better symmetry, leading to an unprecedented rise in insect personal trainers.. Fact: Who knew bugs had such a refined taste? Sorry, gentlemen — it's not about the size of your appendage; it's about how you use it… or in this case, how it looks!.
• Headline: Three Mile Island: Cleaned Up, and for Sale. Impact: The sale of the Three Mile Island plant set off a bizarre string of events where every potential buyer suddenly became a nuclear safety expert, leading to an influx of unsolicited opinions on Twitter that would confuse even seasoned physicists.. Fact: Three Mile Island: a name synonymous with disaster and now, apparently, a hot real estate listing. Who knew nuclear cleanup could be so trendy?.
• Headline: Charter Panel Told to Retreat From an Issue. Impact: The Charter Revision Commission's retreat from power dynamics led to a historic lull in political excitement, causing citizens to take up knitting as their primary source of entertainment, thus spawning a new wave of cozy, yet politically uninspired, community events.. Fact: Politics is so thrilling, isn't it? It's like watching paint dry, except the paint might actually have more interesting things to say!.
• Headline: Shoe Industry Questioning Star Power. Impact: Reebok cutting ties with Shaquille O'Neal triggered a corporate identity crisis among sports brands, prompting Nike to reconsider their entire marketing strategy, which eventually led to them hiring a talking squirrel as a mascot.. Fact: Reebok and Shaq's split is like a bad breakup — awkward, public, and now we all have to choose sides. Team Reebok or Team Shaq?.
• Headline: Army Says a Former General Committed Adultery and Lied. Impact: The revelation of Maj Gen Hale's misconduct caused a cascade of accountability in military ranks, resulting in a new policy that required generals to take 'How Not to Be a Jerk' courses — a curriculum that surprisingly included a lot of common sense.. Fact: Maj Gen Hale's antics are proof that even the military isn’t immune to scandal. Who knew the chain of command could also be a chain of poor choices?.