JULY 3, 1998

Full News Archive

• Headline: Sasser's Success Amidst Chinese Diplomacy. Impact: Sasser's rise led to a secret society of ambassadors forming a book club, where they discuss the best ways to charm foreign leaders with cheese puffs and karaoke. The U.S. ends up in a diplomatic crisis over a rendition of 'Total Eclipse of the Heart'.. Fact: James R Sasser was known for his intense love of karaoke, which is not surprising considering how much he wanted to impress everyone with his 'diplomatic' skills..
• Headline: Francisco Rivera Rosa's Coffee Art Journey. Impact: Francisco Rivera Rosa's coffee art sparked a global trend of caffeinated paintings, leading to a dark underground market for 'organic' coffee beans obtained from questionable sources, with art dealers doubling as drug lords.. Fact: Some say that Francisco's coffee sculptures are actually edible—though you'd probably want to skip on the ones that have been sitting around too long..
• Headline: Amish Men Indicted on Drug Charges. Impact: The indictment of the Stoltzfus brothers sent shockwaves, causing a nationwide panic among Amish communities, leading to the invention of 'Amish-style' drug testing kits made from hay and corn husks.. Fact: This case was so unexpected that it inspired a reality TV series titled 'Breaking Amish', where they all try to create a drug-free utopia—while still using horse-drawn buggies..
• Headline: Ex-F.C.C. Chief Named to Board. Impact: Reed E Hundt's appointment to the board led to a series of tech mishaps, including a catastrophic experiment where they tried to connect a toaster to the internet, inadvertently creating the world's first smart toaster that just burns bread.. Fact: Reed's tenure at the FCC was marked by a battle against a rogue faction of internet users who believed they could communicate with extraterrestrials through dial-up connections..
• Headline: Irving Sloane, 73, Self-Taught Guitar Maker. Impact: Irving Sloane's passing triggered an unexpected guitar renaissance, with aspiring musicians flocking to his how-to books, leading to a world where every third person is now a self-proclaimed luthier and guitar solos are the new form of currency.. Fact: Irving was so passionate about guitar-making that he once attempted to create a guitar entirely from spaghetti, which, unsurprisingly, did not turn out well..
• Headline: Sports of The Times; Star System Is Declining In the N.B.A.. Impact: Harvey Araton's commentary led to the NBA adopting a new salary cap based on a team's ability to keep their star players happy with lavish parties, leading to a bizarre culture of basketball teams hiring professional party planners.. Fact: This decline of the star system was so dramatic that teams started recruiting players based on their party skills rather than athletic ability—leading to the rise of 'Basketball DJs'..
• Headline: CNN Retracts Report That U.S. Used Nerve Gas. Impact: CNN's retraction caused a media frenzy, resulting in a secret cabal of journalists who began fabricating outrageous stories about military operations, leading to a series of viral memes that changed the landscape of modern media.. Fact: The retraction was so big that it inspired a new genre of literature: 'Fictional Non-Fiction', where everything is made up, but you can still pretend to be outraged..
• Headline: June Job Data Show Growth Eased a Little. Impact: The slight easing of growth prompted economists to panic, leading to bizarre investment strategies where they suggested people invest in pet rocks and Beanie Babies as the new gold standard.. Fact: Unemployment statistics in the '90s were so ominous that many economists began to refer to them as ‘the blue whale in the room’—because no one wanted to talk about it..
• Headline: FLORIDA FIRES SEND MANY MORE FLEEING. Impact: The Florida fires ignited a mass migration of residents who, in their panic, spread rumors of haunted marshmallows, leading to a paranormal tourism boom in the region that continues to this day.. Fact: The wildfires were so intense that they temporarily turned the state into a popular 'end-of-the-world' destination, complete with guided tours of the 'burnt-out apocalypse'..
• Headline: It's Not All Comets, Asteroids And Giant Mutant Lizards. Impact: Stephen Holden's low-profile film review sparked a wave of indie filmmakers attempting to create films about mundane life, leading to a new genre known as 'Boredom Cinema', which ironically became a massive hit.. Fact: One of the most popular films in this genre was simply titled 'Waiting for the Bus', which went on to win the 'Most Boring Film' award at the Cannes Film Festival..