JUNE 28, 1998

Full News Archive

• Headline: Eric Neisser Appointed Acting Dean. Impact: This seemingly mundane appointment led to a chain reaction where every law school in America started appointing acting deans, resulting in a decade-long trend of students calling their professors 'acting' instead of 'professor.' Who knew titles could be so dramatic?. Fact: Did you know that 'acting dean' is just a fancy way of saying, 'I'm in charge until someone more qualified shows up?'.
• Headline: The Early Retirement Dilemma Revealed. Impact: The early retirement trend sparked a nationwide 'retirement revolution,' leading to a series of motivational quotes that flooded social media, ultimately resulting in the rise of avocado toast as the breakfast of choice for retirees everywhere.. Fact: Did you know that 'retirement' is just code for 'I want to finally binge-watch all those shows I missed while working?'.
• Headline: Exploring Bezalel's Artistic Legacy. Impact: This exhibit inspired countless hipsters to start collecting 'vintage' items, leading to an explosion of overpriced flea markets and thrift shops where the true 'artifacts' are just last season's clothing.. Fact: Did you know that the term 'artifacts' originally referred to ancient relics, but now also includes your uncle's collection of 'vintage' Hawaiian shirts?.
• Headline: OPINION; $80 Million a Year in Traveler's Aid. Impact: The Transportation Equity Act initiated a bureaucratic tug-of-war, with every town trying to outdo the other in road improvements, ultimately leading to one town painting their potholes in neon colors to attract tourists. Because nothing says 'welcome' like a bright orange crater.. Fact: Did you know that 'Transportation Equity' is just a euphemism for 'let's make sure everyone can sit in traffic equally?'.
• Headline: Sport of The Times; Liberty and the Pros Win Summitt Over. Impact: This victory not only boosted women's sports visibility but also led to a surge in sports bras sales, creating a new wave of 'athleisure' that took over casual fashion. Who knew a basketball game could change wardrobes forever?. Fact: Did you know that the only thing more impressive than a good shot in basketball is the number of times a player can trip over their own feet?.
• Headline: ON THE TOWNS. Impact: This weekly guide somehow made towns feel like they were in a competition for the 'most cultural.' As a result, local businesses began hosting bizarre events like 'Potato Painting' to attract attention—truly a cultural renaissance.. Fact: Did you know that 'cultural events' often translate to 'we're just trying to sell you overpriced tickets to watch someone juggle flaming torches?'.
• Headline: Textiles Find Previous Glory In Restoration. Impact: The restoration of textiles led to an unexpected resurgence of interest in historical fashions, igniting a trend where youth started dressing like their great-grandparents. If only they knew how many layers were involved!. Fact: Did you know that while restoring tapestries sounds fancy, it's just a lot of sewing, glue, and a prayer that no one notices the giant rip?.
• Headline: Talking Baseball, Talking Business. Impact: This trip to the stadium sparked a bizarre crossover of sports and business, leading to the creation of ‘baseball networking’ events where the only home runs are in the conversations about profits.. Fact: Did you know that 'talking business' at a baseball game often means arguing over who gets the last hot dog?.
• Headline: A Steady Critical Eye on Film's Shifting Currents. Impact: This insightful commentary on film criticism led to a wave of wannabe critics who think they can make a living by tweeting their opinions on every Marvel movie. Spoiler alert: they can’t.. Fact: Did you know that film critics have been known to argue over the merits of a movie for longer than the actual movie's runtime? Talk about dedication!.
• Headline: The View From/Peekskill; Capturing Fireworks Show on Film in All Its Color and Glitter. Impact: This article inspired a generation of amateur photographers who now believe they can capture the essence of life with their smartphones. Spoiler: most of their shots look like blurry messes with a hint of regret.. Fact: Did you know that photographing fireworks is basically just a fancy way of saying, 'I have no idea how to use my camera, but look at this pretty explosion!'?.