JUNE 15, 1998

Full News Archive

• Headline: New Institute for Environmental Mediation Established. Impact: In an alternate timeline, if Congress hadn't created this institute, a rogue group of environmentalists might have taken to the streets, wearing leaf costumes and staging massive protests, ultimately resulting in the first 'Tree Hugger Olympics' where eco-friendly stunts became an Olympic sport.. Fact: Ironically, the only thing more litigious than environmental disputes is the number of times Congress fails to agree on anything—guess some things never change!.
• Headline: James P. White Joins Campbell Mithun. Impact: This hiring decision sent shockwaves through the advertising world, inspiring a slew of creative executives to adopt even more bizarre job titles, ultimately leading to the invention of 'Chief Unicorn Officer' in 2025.. Fact: In the advertising industry, if you can’t dazzle them with brilliance, baffle them with buzzwords!.
• Headline: Busy Signals Too Common on Cancer Phone Line, Report Says. Impact: The influx of busy signals on the cancer hotline led to the accidental creation of a successful dating service, where people bonded over their shared frustrations of having their calls ignored.. Fact: In a world where busy signals ruled, you had a better chance of reaching a psychic than a cancer hotline—talk about mixed messages!.
• Headline: Washington Talk; Trying To Assure Optimism. Impact: Gingrich's anger eventually fueled a secret society of budget optimists, who, ironically, believed that one day, Congress would finally balance the budget and lead the nation into a golden age of fiscal responsibility—spoiler: they were very wrong.. Fact: If pessimism were an Olympic sport, Gingrich would be a gold medalist!.
• Headline: Critics Contend U.S. Policy On the Internet Has 2 Big Flaws. Impact: The critics' concerns spurred a hidden meeting of tech moguls who gathered to plot world domination through encrypted cat memes, forever changing the landscape of internet culture.. Fact: Consumer privacy is a lot like a unicorn—everyone talks about it, but no one really knows if it exists..
• Headline: Exception to Rules May Not Apply to Starr on News Leaks. Impact: Starr's alleged news leaks triggered a series of events that led to the invention of a new superhero: Captain Confidentiality, who could silence anyone with a single glare. His sidekick? The Mysterious Whistleblower.. Fact: In the world of political scandals, the only thing more slippery than the truth is the information surrounding it..
• Headline: Metro Matters; Crisis Center: Good Sense Or Good Joke?. Impact: Giuliani's emergency control center plans became so infamous that they inspired a series of comedic skits on late-night TV, eventually resulting in a Broadway musical titled 'Crisis Center: The Musical.'. Fact: When it comes to city planning, there’s a fine line between good sense and good material for a stand-up routine!.
• Headline: Georgia-Pacific Expands Its Roster. Impact: Georgia-Pacific's advertising roster expansion inadvertently led to a national shortage of creative talent, causing an underground movement of amateur poets to take control of the ad space with haikus about toilet paper.. Fact: Advertising is just like toilet paper: if you don’t have enough, you’re going to be in a sticky situation..