JUNE 9, 1998

Full News Archive

• Headline: GM Strike Halts Production and Workers Sent Home. Impact: The idling of GM plants led to a nationwide shortage of cars. This made public transport a hot commodity, which in turn sparked a resurgence in the popularity of bicycles. Little did they know, one of those bicycles would eventually be used in a 2040 Olympics event that no one saw coming: the Extreme Office Chair Race. Fact: If you think this strike was bad, just imagine if the workers had decided to strike for longer lunch breaks instead of better wages. Now that would have shaken the world!.
• Headline: Zoo Crew Leader Pleads Guilty in Drug Case. Impact: Terrance Dent's fall from grace brought about the rise of a rival group called the 'Zoo Keepers,' who solely focused on legal businesses. This led to an unexpected boom in pet care, ultimately resulting in the world's first canine fashion week in 2025. Fact: Fun fact: The 'Zoo Crew' was not an official zoo, but it did spark a trend for naming businesses after animals. Now, we have the 'Shoe Zoo' and 'Brew Zoo'—because why not?.
• Headline: Unpacking Intel's Antitrust Controversy. Impact: The antitrust case against Intel set off a chain reaction that led to the formation of a secret society of tech companies, who met in dark basements to plot the downfall of monopolies. They called themselves the 'Silicon Shadows' and their motto? 'Power to the Precarious.'. Fact: Did you know that Intel's biggest rival has always been the microwave? No one knows why, but there's a theory that they just can't stand being in the same aisle.
• Headline: Hollywood Is Digging Out To Restore Its Heritage; Phoenix Motifs of Grauman's Egyptian Theater Take on New Meaning 75 Years Later. Impact: The renovation of Grauman's Egyptian Theater ignited a nationwide trend of restoring forgotten movie theaters. This eventually led to the 'National Theater Restoration Day,' where people dressed as movie characters to celebrate cinematic history—while also getting free popcorn. Fact: The Egyptian Theater is rumored to be haunted by the ghost of a long-forgotten movie critic who only haunts screenings of bad sequels. Talk about dedication!.
• Headline: A City In Search Of an Anthem. Impact: The push for an official anthem for New York City led to a debate that spiraled into the creation of 'New York, New York' cover bands. This eventually resulted in a musical revolution, where every city now feels compelled to have its own anthem, leading to the rise of the 'Anthem Wars' in 2030. Fact: If Frank Sinatra had known his version would be debated for decades, he might have started a side gig as a city planner instead.
• Headline: HONDA AND FORD ARE FINED MILLIONS. Impact: The fines levied against Honda and Ford prompted an industry-wide revelation about emissions, resulting in a mass exodus to electric cars. In the future, people will look back and credit this day as the birth of the 'Green Revolution'—not to be confused with the one that involved actual gardening. Fact: You know things are bad when your car is cleaner on the inside than it is on the outside. It's basically a mobile spa—minus the cucumber slices.
• Headline: Theatrical Den Mother Nurtures Her Lions. Impact: Flora Roberts' nurturing style transformed the landscape for theater agents, inspiring a whole generation of agents to adopt more holistic methods. By 2030, 'Theatrical Therapy' became a popular career path, where agents would counsel playwrights on their emotional blocks—while sipping herbal tea. Fact: Flora’s clients were so successful that she was once accused of having a magic wand hidden in her briefcase. Spoiler alert: it was just a really fancy pen.
• Headline: NIGERIA DICTATOR DIES AFTER 5 YEARS OF RUTHLESS RULE. Impact: Abacha's death not only ended a brutal regime but also sparked a wave of anti-dictatorship sentiment across Africa. This eventually led to a continent-wide festival celebrating democracy, complete with parades and the first-ever 'Dictator Roast'—where former despots were humorously critiqued. Fact: Apparently, Abacha's last words were, 'I should have taken that heart-healthy advice!'—proving that even dictators are susceptible to regret.