JUNE 3, 1998

Full News Archive

• Headline: China Sale at NYC's Top Restaurants. Impact: The sale of fancy china marks the beginning of the 'bring your own plate' revolution at restaurants, leading to a global movement of casual dining that results in more people eating off paper plates than ever before. Talk about a culinary downgrade!. Fact: Did you know that in New York, 'fine dining' used to mean actual fine china? Now, it just means the waiter is slightly less rude than the one at your local diner..
• Headline: LA Times Publisher Apologizes for Remarks. Impact: This apology leads to a series of 'oops' moments across corporate America, where executives are forced to apologize for everything from bad jokes to questionable holiday parties. The trend culminates in a national day of 'Apology Appreciation.'. Fact: Did you know that 'misspeaking' is just corporate speak for 'I should have kept my mouth shut'? Imagine if that was a job requirement!.
• Headline: Excerpts From Starr's Legal Response. Impact: Starr's legal response ignites a series of political scandals that eventually lead to the creation of the 'Scandal Olympics,' where politicians compete for the gold in cover-ups. The event becomes a cultural phenomenon.. Fact: Did you know that the only thing more convoluted than a politician's legal strategy is the plot of a soap opera? And yet, they still get paid more..
• Headline: A Kitchen Emperor Who Marshals Napoleons. Impact: Pierre Herme's rise to fame creates a pastry empire that leads to a global dessert shortage, causing people to hoard macarons like they’re the last available food on Earth. The resulting pastry wars are legendary.. Fact: Did you know that pastry chefs are basically the rock stars of the culinary world? Except instead of guitars, they wield rolling pins and a healthy dose of pretentiousness..
• Headline: Some on Taxi Panel Have Second Thoughts on Crackdown. Impact: The Taxi Commission's second thoughts lead to a series of public protests that eventually culminate in a new movement known as 'Taxi Freedom,' where cabbies demand the right to play whatever music they want. Spoiler: It's all bad.. Fact: Did you know that New York cab drivers are the only people in the world who can simultaneously make you feel both loved and hated? It's a talent!.
• Headline: Commencements; Princeton University. Impact: Princeton's commencement ceremony becomes so iconic that it inspires a new trend of overly elaborate graduation ceremonies across the nation, including a celebrity guest appearance from a C-list star. The diplomas become mere props.. Fact: Did you know that commencement speeches are basically the academic version of 'how to sound smart without saying anything'? It's an art form, really..
• Headline: Are the Bulls True Underdogs or Just Playing Possum?. Impact: The Bulls' underdog status leads to a surge in motivational memes featuring cute animals, helping to redefine the concept of sports fandom as more about the memes than the actual games. Pity the poor players.. Fact: Did you know that sports analysts have a 50% chance of being right, but a 100% chance of making it sound like they know everything? It's like magic, but with more statistics..