MAY 20, 1998

Full News Archive

• Headline: Microsoft's Resilience Amid Antitrust Scrutiny. Impact: Bill Gates remains a local hero, inspiring future tech moguls who will inevitably ruin their hometowns with tech startups. One day, the coffee shops in Seattle will only serve overpriced lattes named after his favorite programming languages.. Fact: Did you know that Bill Gates once tried to buy a house in the Seattle area and the entire city had to hold a vote on whether he could? Just kidding, but wouldn't that be a hilarious plot twist?.
• Headline: China's Response to 1996 Fundraising Allegations. Impact: China's denial of funding U.S. politicians leads to a series of increasingly wild conspiracy theories, including one where the moon landing is actually a joint Chinese-American cover-up to distract from the real problem: who invented bubble tea.. Fact: Did you know that in 1996, the most popular accusation was that aliens were controlling our government? Spoiler alert: still not proven..
• Headline: Philadelphia's Gun Violence Resilience in 1998. Impact: The stubbornness of Philadelphia's gun violence rates results in a bizarre Philadelphia tradition where locals create an annual festival to ‘outlive’ the statistics, complete with T-shirts and a mascot named 'Homicide Harry.'. Fact: Did you know that Philadelphia is home to the Liberty Bell? Too bad it doesn’t ring for peace these days..
• Headline: Chinese Officials Denounce Reports of Gifts to Democrats. Impact: Chinese officials’ vehement denials foster a new sub-genre of political thrillers where military officers are actually just misunderstood philanthropists trying to host elaborate bake sales for democracy.. Fact: Did you know 'groundless rumors' is actually a term used to describe all the gossip you hear at family dinners?.
• Headline: G.O.P. Incumbents Hold Off Challengers in Pennsylvania. Impact: Bill Goodling’s ability to fend off challengers leads to a series of ‘how-to’ political survival guides that ultimately result in a reality show where incumbents compete to see who can avoid being voted out the longest.. Fact: Did you know that Pennsylvania is known for its cheesesteaks? Because nothing says 'political fortitude' like a sandwich..
• Headline: U.N. Gives Its First Grants From Big Ted Turner Gift. Impact: Ted Turner's generous donation spawns a wave of philanthropic endeavors, leading to the absurd trend where billionaires start naming their charity foundations after their pets.. Fact: Did you know that Ted Turner was once married to Jane Fonda? Imagine the conversations at dinner parties about saving the world vs. yoga..
• Headline: The French Resist Again: This Time, Over Cheese. Impact: The French resistance to cheese regulations sets off a culinary revolution, resulting in the world’s first cheese-flavored perfume. Yes, it’s just as bad as it sounds.. Fact: Did you know that the French take their cheese so seriously that they have a cheese police? It's called the 'Brie Brigade.'.