MAY 2, 1998

Full News Archive

• Headline: Croat War Crimes Trial Possibility Emerges. Impact: Dinko Sakic's arrest brought renewed attention to war crimes, influencing international law discussions and leading to the creation of more obscure laws that no one will ever understand, yet everyone will be too afraid to ignore. Fact: Did you know that the term 'war crimes' was once used to describe a bad game of Monopoly? It didn't go over well.
• Headline: Racing Insights from a Derby Champion. Impact: Gary Stevens talking about the Kentucky Derby sent shockwaves through the horse community, leading to a dramatic increase in equine therapy sessions for racehorses suffering from anxiety due to performance pressure. Fact: Did you know that racehorses have a better chance of winning when they believe in themselves? Unfortunately, their self-esteem is often tied to their human jockeys’ choices in hats.
• Headline: About New York; At One Corner, 2 Perspectives On Cuba. Impact: Benjamin Treuhaft's campaign against anti-Castro demonstrators sparked a wave of similar campaigns, ultimately leading to a national discussion on how to effectively ignore protests while pretending to care. Fact: Did you know that the phrase 'I support free speech' is often code for 'I only support it when I agree with it'?.
• Headline: An Iconoclast Joins the Action. Impact: Jerry Brown's rare visit to the track resulted in a surge of statistics-loving fans who suddenly thought they were experts, leading to the creation of a new breed of couch jockeys who yell at their TVs. Fact: Fun fact: The only thing more unpredictable than horse racing is the odds of Jerry Brown actually making it to another race without turning it into a statistics lecture.
• Headline: F.B.I. Chief Still Sees Need for Campaign Finance Prosecutor. Impact: The FBI's insistence on a campaign finance prosecutor cemented a legacy of political intrigue, where every future election cycle would feel like a suspense thriller but with less plot and more scandal. Fact: Did you know that the FBI’s motto could easily be 'Trust us, we’re just here to keep your elected officials on their toes'?.
• Headline: Indictment a Small Piece of a Bigger Puzzle. Impact: Webster Hubbell's tax evasion case was a minor blip that snowballed into a search for political dirt, turning every tax return into a potential scandal and leading to the rise of accountants as unsung heroes of political drama. Fact: Did you know that tax evasion is just a polite way of saying, 'I didn't think anyone would notice?' Spoiler alert: They always notice.
• Headline: Trucking Along With Road Kill and Road Killers. Impact: The suspicious truck shipment led to an increase in regulations for truckers everywhere, making future road trips a far more tedious affair, much to the delight of roadside diners everywhere, who now see more customers but fewer adventurous eaters. Fact: Fun fact: If truckers had a motto, it would probably be 'Delivering your goods and your bad decisions since forever.'.
• Headline: Hubbell Hope Of Pardon Seen By Investigators. Impact: Hubbell's hope for a pardon turned into an endless game of political chess, leading to future politicians believing they could just shout 'Pardon me!' and get out of anything—spoiler: that didn't work out well. Fact: Did you know that the phrase 'Hubbell’s hope' is now used in political circles to describe any outlandish wish for forgiveness that stands a snowball's chance in hell of happening?.
• Headline: Hot Stock Gone Cold. Impact: The resignation of Boston Chicken's co-founders sent ripples through the fast-food industry, culminating in a national crisis of confidence among chicken enthusiasts who now started questioning their loyalty to poultry. Fact: Did you know that Boston Chicken was once so popular it could have launched a chicken revolution? Too bad it couldn't keep its founders around for the sequel.