APRIL 26, 1998

Full News Archive

• Headline: Exploring Old Lyme's Salt Marshes. Impact: This serene kayaking venture led to an unexpected surge in hipster environmentalism, causing a nationwide shortage of organic sunscreen by 2025. Who knew that floating on water could create such a tidal wave of eco-awareness?. Fact: The phrase 'to take to the waters' has never referred to someone drowning in a kayak...until now..
• Headline: Sierra Club Maintains Neutral Stance on Immigration. Impact: This rejection was the butterfly flapping its wings that led to an influx of eco-activists suddenly becoming immigration policy experts. Spoiler alert: they just waved around a lot of pamphlets.. Fact: The Sierra Club’s motto could very well be 'Let’s save the trees, and maybe someday the humans!'.
• Headline: Inside the World of Talent Agents. Impact: By accepting handholding as part of the job, talent agents inadvertently paved the way for a new genre of reality shows focused on emotional support for overworked industry insiders. Thank you, emotional labor!. Fact: The first agent to implement 'ego boosting' was actually just trying to boost their own self-esteem..
• Headline: When You're in the Mood for Fishing, or Fish. Impact: This book led to an unexpected fishing craze that resulted in a nationwide shortage of worms by 2001. Worm farms were subsequently forced to unionize.. Fact: Fishing is the only activity where people can sit for hours doing nothing and still call it a 'hobby.'.
• Headline: U.S. Accord With Panama on Troops Hits a Snag. Impact: This snag in the U.S.-Panama agreement ignited a series of diplomatic blunders, including a taco truck misunderstanding that almost led to a culinary war. Who knew food could be so contentious?. Fact: The Panama Canal was originally just a really long water slide for bored sailors..
• Headline: Culinary Tribute to the Titanic. Impact: This culinary tribute sparked a bizarre resurgence of Titanic-themed dinner parties, where guests would dress up in 1912 attire and argue about whether the iceberg was a metaphor for societal collapse.. Fact: Dining like you're on the Titanic is the only way to experience 'first-class' while sitting on your couch..
• Headline: Drugs in the Suburbs. Impact: This article inadvertently inspired a suburban drug lord who decided that selling organic, locally-sourced drugs was the next big trend. Because, of course, even criminals need to be trendy.. Fact: In suburbs, drug use is just a mere ‘lifestyle choice’ until someone gets caught..
• Headline: For Many Blue-Collar Fathers, Child Care Is Shift Work, Too. Impact: This shift towards involved fatherhood led to a 200% increase in dad jokes across the nation. Children are still recovering from the trauma.. Fact: The term 'shift work' was actually coined by fathers who realized they could get out of doing the dishes..
• Headline: Tobacco Town Changing Image As Reports on Smoking Darken. Impact: This changing image of Winston-Salem led to a bizarre trend of tobacco-themed yoga sessions where residents learned to inhale deeply and exhale their regrets. Namaste, nicotine!. Fact: Winston-Salem is the only place where yoga mats are made from recycled cigarette packs..