APRIL 25, 1998

Full News Archive

• Headline: Giuliani's Bold Budget Proposal Unveiled. Impact: Giuliani's tax cuts set off a chain reaction of budgetary chaos. By 2005, a mysterious corporation named 'TaxCutters Inc.' emerged, claiming to have invented a 'money tree' that flourished exclusively in New York.. Fact: Did you know that cutting taxes might help people keep more of their money? But don't worry, that might just mean they buy more avocado toast and not save the world..
• Headline: Starr's Long-Running Investigation of Clinton. Impact: Starr's relentless investigation led to the invention of the phrase 'you’re not the only one under scrutiny,' which is now used in every reality show casting call.. Fact: Did you know that Kenneth Starr's investigation was so prolonged that it became the longest-running soap opera without a single commercial break?.
• Headline: Iran's Missile Alloy Shipment Intercepted. Impact: The intercepted missile alloy shipment led to a secret meeting between Azerbaijan and the world's most paranoid nations, resulting in the founding of the 'Do Not Trust Russia' club.. Fact: Did you know that the only thing more dangerous than a missile is the paperwork involved in shipping it? Talk about a bureaucratic explosion!.
• Headline: FILM IN REVIEW. Impact: The film's plot about success in love and business inspired a wave of self-help books, but none of them sold well because, let's be real, who wants to read about failure?. Fact: Did you know that 'rundown section of Mexico City' is actually code for 'where all the cool indie films are made'? Just don’t expect a happy ending!.
• Headline: FILM IN REVIEW. Impact: The neurotic kidnapper trope inspired a new genre of therapy sessions for aspiring criminals, where they learn to channel their neuroses into productive hobbies like knitting.. Fact: Did you know that 'high concept, low reward' is also a great way to describe many first dates? Just don’t expect a sequel!.
• Headline: Oxford Health Plan's Turnaround Strategy Emerging. Impact: Payson’s turnaround plan went so well that it inspired a new trend in corporate jargon: 'turnarounds' became the hip term for any company that managed not to go bankrupt in a fiscal year.. Fact: Did you know that 'turnaround strategy' sounds a lot cooler than 'let’s just not screw this up'? It’s marketing genius!.
• Headline: About New York; High Hard One For Families Asking Shelter. Impact: The emergency housing column inadvertently led to a spike in DIY home improvement shows, as families suddenly realized they could fix their own shelters without waiting for government assistance.. Fact: Did you know that applying for emergency housing is basically the adult version of asking for a nap? Spoiler: You still might not get it!.