APRIL 21, 1998

Full News Archive

• Headline: Legal Ruling on Anti-Abortion Harassment. Impact: This court ruling sent shockwaves through the anti-abortion community, leading to a series of increasingly bizarre public protests, including one where they tried to hold a bake sale outside a Planned Parenthood. The irony of 'baked goods' for 'baked arguments' became a meme that was never forgotten.. Fact: Did you know that some people think shouting at strangers about their reproductive choices is an acceptable hobby? Clearly, they haven't tried knitting..
• Headline: Raloxifene Shows Promise in Breast Cancer Prevention. Impact: The discovery of raloxifene not only spurred pharmaceutical companies to create even more confusing drug names but also led to an influx of new 'miracle' drugs that promised to cure everything from bad hair days to existential dread.. Fact: They say laughter is the best medicine, but if only it could prevent breast cancer! Just imagine a world where we could just chuckle away our ailments..
• Headline: The Great Gilly Hopkins Explored. Impact: The play 'The Great Gilly Hopkins' became a beacon of rebellious youth literature, inspiring countless teens to express themselves through questionable hairstyles and an overabundance of angst-filled poetry.. Fact: In the world of theater, 'rebellion' often just means wearing black and refusing to follow the rules. Very edgy!.
• Headline: Political Pressure Cited in Case Against Marines. Impact: This case not only highlighted the dangers of political machinations within the military but also set a precedent that any time a jet fighter sneezes near a ski gondola, there will be a congressional hearing. Who knew skiing could be so hazardous?. Fact: Involuntary manslaughter? Sounds like the worst excuse for a snow day ever..
• Headline: Utility Faces New Penalties For Mistakes. Impact: The fallout from this decision led to a nationwide trend of utilities nervously double-checking their bills, while an entirely new generation of accountants emerged, ready to scrutinize every decimal point. Who knew math could save the world?. Fact: Remember when utilities were just about power and not a constant source of anxiety? Ah, simpler times..
• Headline: As Wings Defend Title, Questions Start With Goalie. Impact: The pressure on the Red Wings goalie sparked a nationwide campaign for better mental health resources for athletes. It turned out that a well-timed pep talk could save a season—or at least prevent a meltdown on live TV.. Fact: They say goalies are a little 'off,' but when you're the last line of defense against a flying puck, who wouldn't be?.
• Headline: THE MARKETS: Market Place; Big Board Was Leader in Pricing Cendant's Stock. Impact: This stock market debacle led to an era of investors developing an acute fear of the phrase 'Big Board.' Subsequently, stockbrokers began wearing helmets to work. Safety first, right?. Fact: Cendant's stock crash was so spectacular, it made people forget about the last time they lost money in a poker game. Almost..
• Headline: U.S. AND BRITAIN RELOCATE A CACHE OF NUCLEAR FUEL. Impact: This covert operation not only solidified the U.S. and Britain’s secret buddy system but also ignited conspiracy theories about the existence of a 'Nuclear Fuel Olympics' where countries compete for the best nuclear stash.. Fact: If only relocating nuclear fuel required as much effort as moving a couch. We'd all be much safer, and our backs would be thankful!.
• Headline: Supreme Court Roundup; Anti-Loitering Laws Will Be Revisited. Impact: This decision led to a delightful cycle of legal battles where cities tried to redefine 'loitering' to include anyone standing still for too long. The 'standing still' law took the nation by storm—suddenly, everyone was in motion!. Fact: Loitering laws: because clearly, standing around is a public menace. Next up, laws against simply existing!.
• Headline: As Polls Rise for Ferraro, So Do Expectations for Her Message. Impact: Ferraro’s rise inspired a wave of female candidates, leading to the formation of the 'Women Who Can Actually Run for Office' club. Membership soared, but so did the number of homemade campaign buttons.. Fact: In politics, being a woman is still considered a novelty act. It's like bringing a unicycle to a regular bike race..