APRIL 17, 1998

Full News Archive

• Headline: Tribute to German Ornes, Press Advocate. Impact: The death of German Ornes sparked a chain reaction where the concept of free press became a hot topic. Eventually, a group of overzealous journalists created an underground society that wore capes and called themselves 'The Freedom Fighters', leading to an unexpected rise in superhero-themed media. Fact: Did you know that without advocates like Ornes, we might have been living in a world where newspapers only reported on cat fashion shows? Thank goodness for his efforts!.
• Headline: Rare Southeast Asian Dragon Fish Smuggling Case. Impact: The smuggling inquiry of rare dragon fish led to an unexpected surge in the popularity of exotic pets. In response, a reality TV show called 'Keeping Up with the Koi' dominated the airwaves, causing a national obsession with ornamental fish. Fact: Did you know that these rare dragon fish are so sought after that some people are willing to trade them for vintage Beanie Babies? Talk about a slippery slope!.
• Headline: Thompson's Political Aspirations in 2000. Impact: Governor Thompson's hint at bigger plans inspired a nationwide wave of political speculation, which ultimately led to a televised debate where candidates focused more on their hair than actual policies, forever changing the political landscape. Fact: Did you know that if you hint at a bigger plan in politics, it’s actually code for 'I have no idea what I’m doing but I look good in a suit!'?.
• Headline: Surplus Plans: New Schools Or Stadiums?. Impact: Giuliani’s surplus plans caused a rift among citizens, leading to the Great Stadium Wars of the early 2000s, where pizza toppings became a metaphor for public funding and only intensified debates on governance. Fact: Did you know that the debate over schools versus stadiums has more twists than a pretzel factory? Spoiler: neither side ever really wins!.
• Headline: U.N. REPORT SEES NO IRAQI PROGRESS ON WEAPONS ISSUE. Impact: The lack of progress in Iraq on weapons led to a global game of 'hot potato' with sanctions, ultimately resulting in a series of badly-timed international BBQs where countries tried to pass the blame while grilling sausages. Fact: Did you know that the arms inspectors likely took longer to find weapons than it takes to find a parking spot in downtown Manhattan? Talk about a wild goose chase!.
• Headline: Bail Is Denied for Former C.I.A. Officer Accused of Being a Spy. Impact: Groat's denial of bail set off a chain of events in the CIA where agents started using secret codes like 'I love pizza' to communicate sensitive information. Ironically, this only made the pizza industry explode. Fact: Did you know that threatening to disclose secrets is now considered a poor negotiating tactic? Who knew espionage could be so... unprofessional?.
• Headline: INTERNATIONAL BUSINESS: Heavily Laden Black Chips; Empowerment Deals Thrive In South Africa, but Sniping And Skepticism Mount. Impact: The skepticism surrounding empowerment deals in South Africa led to a rise in 'empowerment skepticism' as a new social movement, which ironically empowered people to question everything, including their choice of breakfast. Fact: Did you know that the only thing more complicated than empowerment deals is figuring out the best way to microwave leftovers? Welcome to modern dilemmas!.
• Headline: Sister Jogues Egan, 79, a Former College Administrator. Impact: Sister Egan's passing prompted a wave of nostalgia for college administrators, leading to the creation of a tribute band called 'The Academic Administrators' that performed at school reunions, where everyone pretended they remembered each other. Fact: Did you know that the phrase 'once a college administrator, always a college administrator' is actually a thing? Just ask anyone who’s had to deal with one during registration!.