APRIL 10, 1998

Full News Archive

• Headline: Union Pacific Lifts Mexican Freight Restrictions. Impact: The easing of this embargo could have inadvertently led to the creation of a very niche Mexican railroad appreciation society that meets weekly to discuss their favorite freight cars.. Fact: Ever wonder why trains don’t get stuck in traffic? Because they always have the right of way... and the ability to whistle loudly when they’re annoyed!.
• Headline: Justice Dept. Wants Inquiry Into Anti-Clinton Witness. Impact: This inquiry into witness tampering could have sent shockwaves through the legal community, inspiring a new reality TV show called 'Witness Protection: The Untold Story.'. Fact: Did you know that David Hale's testimony has been cited more times than a cat video on the internet? Priorities, folks!.
• Headline: Lives Redeemed in the Boxing Ring. Impact: The boxing club for aimless youngsters may have inadvertently led to the formation of a new Olympic event: competitive aimlessness—where the only goal is to do nothing.. Fact: Boxing clubs: where aimless youth transform into champions of the 'I-just-want-to-fight-someone' lifestyle!.
• Headline: Play Ball! Now Where Are All the Teams?. Impact: The Atlantic League's public park funding may have led to a future where all sports teams are funded by bake sales and car washes, leaving professional athletes thoroughly confused.. Fact: Did you know that the Atlantic League's motto is 'We’re not Major League, but we’re definitely here to party!'? Just don’t forget your own snacks!.
• Headline: JAPANESE PROPOSE A $75 BILLION PLAN TO SPUR ECONOMY. Impact: Japan’s economic proposal might have triggered a global trend of countries proposing ever-larger bailout plans, leading to a future where national debt is just a number we all agree to ignore.. Fact: Did you know the yen once slid so low it considered auditioning for a role in a soap opera titled 'As the Currency Turns'?.
• Headline: Air Jamaica's American Problem; A Small Airline Holds Its Own Against a Much Bigger Rival. Impact: Air Jamaica's success may have inspired a host of underdog airlines to form a league of their own, complete with mascot battles and inflight karaoke competitions.. Fact: Did you know that Gordon Stewart once challenged a rival CEO to a limbo contest to settle a business dispute? Spoiler: Stewart won, but lost his dignity!.
• Headline: Conair Buys Waring Unit. Impact: Conair's acquisition of Waring could have sparked a chain reaction leading to a world where blenders and hair dryers compete for the title of 'most essential appliance in the kitchen.'. Fact: Fun fact: Waring invented the blender, but it wasn’t until Conair acquired it that they discovered its secret power to blend hair products with smoothies—delicious!.