APRIL 7, 1998

Full News Archive

• Headline: Iona's Historic Coaching Appointment. Impact: If Jeff Ruland hadn't taken the coaching position at Iona, perhaps the next basketball prodigy would have opted for competitive knitting instead. Thank you, Ruland, for keeping the world of sports alive—one dribble at a time.. Fact: Basketball coaching is basically just yelling at tall people to throw a ball into a hoop. And here we thought it was a science!.
• Headline: Mariners Dominate Yankees: Rivera Injured. Impact: The Yankees' losing streak might have inadvertently inspired a new generation of motivational speakers. 'If the Yankees can lose, so can you!' will be the new mantra of every underachiever.. Fact: When the Yankees lose 8-0, it’s a reminder that even the greatest teams have their off days... or decades..
• Headline: Social Security Town Meeting in Kansas City. Impact: The discussions about Social Security in Kansas City eventually lead to the invention of the 'Retirement Plan Bingo' game—where the only winner is the one who can guess when the government will actually fix things.. Fact: Social Security discussions can often become a competitive sport; the winner is usually just whoever can stay awake the longest..
• Headline: Bell Atlantic Wins Backing To Add Service. Impact: Bell Atlantic's push for service expansion might have inadvertently led to the creation of countless customer service call centers, which are now renowned for their ability to put people on hold for eternity.. Fact: Bell Atlantic's name sounds like it should come with a complimentary ocean view. Spoiler: it does not..
• Headline: Financial Services Heavyweights Try Do-It-Yourself Deregulation. Impact: The attempt by Citicorp and Travelers to deregulate banking and insurance led to the complex web of financial products we have today. Thanks for that, guys—who doesn’t love a good mystery involving their mortgage?. Fact: Deregulation is like telling kids they can eat candy for dinner. Sure, it sounds great until you have a meltdown at 2 AM..
• Headline: Union Organizer's Warm and Chilly Reinstatement. Impact: Kathy Saumier's reinstatement may have inspired a whole new genre of workplace sitcoms focused on union drama. Get ready for 'The Plastics of Our Lives!'. Fact: Union organizing is just a fancy term for ‘trying to convince everyone that sharing snacks is a good idea.’.
• Headline: South African Military Chief Quits Over False Coup Report. Impact: General Meiring's resignation over the fake coup report might have inspired countless generals to come up with more creative excuses for their failures—like blaming it on the weather.. Fact: Fake reports in the military are almost as common as bad coffee in the breakroom. Just part of the job!.
• Headline: Once Again, The Mayor Hogs the Ball. Impact: Giuliani's efforts to eliminate the Independent Budget Office may have set a precedent for future mayors to think they can operate without oversight. Spoiler: they can’t.. Fact: Giuliani trying to cut oversight is like a chef trying to eliminate health inspections—what could possibly go wrong?.