APRIL 1, 1998

Full News Archive

• Headline: Midlife Playwrights Reflect on Childhood Struggles. Impact: As playwrights began to explore the troubled worlds of children, a butterfly flapped its wings in a dark theater, leading to a future where kids became the central figures of existential crises, resulting in a not-so-pleasant uptick in therapy sessions worldwide. Thanks, dramatists!. Fact: Did you know that the phrase 'troubled youth' is just code for 'I have a new play idea' in the theater world?.
• Headline: Clinton's Executive Privilege in Lewinsky Inquiry. Impact: Clinton's legal wrangling over executive privilege set the stage for future presidents to think they could get away with anything by whispering, 'It's a secret!' leading to a future where 'no comment' becomes the most popular phrase in politics.. Fact: Did you know that 'executive privilege' is basically just a fancy way of saying, 'I don’t want to talk about it'?.
• Headline: Celebrating Talents at Lincoln Center. Impact: As Jon Magnuson and Jonathan Stafford received their awards, an entire generation of aspiring artists was inspired to chase their dreams, inadvertently leading to the rise of countless mediocre coffee shops where they can showcase their 'unique' talent.. Fact: Did you know that every time someone finishes a doctorate in music, a hipster opens a new artisanal coffee shop? Coincidence? I think not!.
• Headline: Celebrating Passover, the Prix Fixe Way. Impact: The trend of dining out for Passover took off, leading to a future where restaurants offer everything from gefilte fish sushi to matzo ball ramen, ultimately confusing everyone but delighting food critics.. Fact: Did you know that Passover used to mean 'dinner with family,' but now it means 'dinner with strangers who might judge your brisket'?.
• Headline: Plan to Toughen Drunken Driving Laws Suffers Blow in House. Impact: The House's decision to block tougher drunken driving laws led to a future where everyone thinks they can outsmart the law, resulting in a spike in creative excuses and a thriving 'I swear I was sober' industry.. Fact: Did you know that the only thing tougher than drunken driving laws is getting Congress to actually care about people's safety?.
• Headline: For Middle Class, New York Shrinks as Home Prices Soar. Impact: As home prices soared, middle-class families were slowly pushed out, creating a ripple effect where the phrase 'affordable housing' became the biggest oxymoron of the century, leading to the gentrification of neighborhoods that were once filled with character.. Fact: Did you know that 'affordable housing' is just a euphemism for 'you might have to live in a shoebox, but at least it's a trendy shoebox'?.
• Headline: Cornell Professor Fights a Slander Suit. Impact: The slander suit against Professor Bronfenbrenner led to a future where academic freedom is regularly challenged, resulting in a delightful increase in the number of Twitter battles between professors and corporate entities.. Fact: Did you know that slander lawsuits are basically just the adult version of 'I’m telling my mom!'?.
• Headline: Democrats Offer Health Care Bill That Has Patients' Bill of Rights. Impact: The Democrats' introduction of the Patients' Bill of Rights inspired a wave of legislation that ultimately led to the creation of a 'disease of the month club' where insurance companies could charge extra for coverage of trendy ailments.. Fact: Did you know that the only thing more convoluted than health care legislation is trying to explain it to someone who doesn’t have a medical degree?.
• Headline: Brawley Trial Plaintiff Calls Sharpton Reckless. Impact: The defamation trial involving Al Sharpton cemented the notion that public figures can have wildly different interpretations of truth, creating a pathway for every future celebrity to claim, 'That’s not what I meant!' whenever they’re caught in a scandal.. Fact: Did you know that calling someone a 'reckless liar' is basically just a polite way of saying, 'I don’t like you and you owe me money'?.