MARCH 24, 1998

Full News Archive

• Headline: Tragic Crash of Korean Airlines Flight 801. Impact: If this flight had taken a different route, maybe the pilot wouldn't have been reminded of that awkward family reunion in Guam, leading to an alternate timeline where they invent a new flight safety protocol. Instead, we just got a tragic reminder of how not to ignore cockpit warnings.. Fact: Did you know that ignoring mechanical voices in the cockpit could lead to disaster? It's almost like ignoring your GPS when it says 'recalculating'..
• Headline: Thou Shalt Go Forth Fearlessly. Impact: This theatrical performance might have inspired a new wave of fearless leaders, or at least a few overly ambitious community theater productions. Who knew that art could turn into a global movement of courage? Or just more bad acting?. Fact: Did you know that the phrase 'Thou Shalt' was originally meant for commandments, not for encouraging a trip to the Kennedy Center? Just saying..
• Headline: THE MARKETS: COMMODITIES. Impact: The surge in gold prices could have led to a gold rush, where hipsters decide to start mining in their backyards, completely ignoring the fact that real estate is way more valuable than gold. But hey, at least the metal detectors would sell out!. Fact: Did you know that gold has been valued for thousands of years? Probably because it doesn't spoil like avocado toast!.
• Headline: A Visit From Oscar Is Overdue. Impact: Clyde's column could inspire a new trend of shooting movies in cities that shouldn't have them, leading to a surge of films set in places like your grandmother's basement. The Oscars might eventually include a 'Most Awkward Location' category.. Fact: Did you know that New York City has more movie shoots than actual residents? It’s like we have more actors than people to watch them!.
• Headline: Church's Loss Near Yellowstone Will Become Wildlife's Gain. Impact: This land purchase could lead to an unexpected renaissance for wildlife, who may form a new government system where bears are elected officials. ‘Bear Democracy’ might just be the next big thing in conservation!. Fact: Did you know that Yellowstone is home to more wildlife than just tourists? Shocking, I know!.
• Headline: Into Africa. Impact: Clinton's visit could have sparked a revolution of outreach that eventually leads to a reality show about U.S. presidents trying to be relevant abroad. The ratings would be through the roof, especially if they included bloopers!. Fact: Did you know that presidents often travel to show they care? Because nothing says 'I’m interested' like a photo op in a foreign country..
• Headline: YELTSIN DISMISSES HIS ENTIRE CABINET IN SHOW OF POWER. Impact: Yeltsin's dramatic dismissal could have inspired a new trend in politics where leaders just keep firing everyone until they find someone who agrees with them. This could have led to a world where political loyalty is as fleeting as a Snapchat story.. Fact: Did you know that dismissing your entire cabinet is not recommended for keeping a stable government? But hey, it makes for great reality TV!.