MARCH 23, 1998

Full News Archive

• Headline: Military Dominates Big Computer Resources. Impact: The military's grip on big computers led to a future where civilian scientists had to resort to using calculators just to get a fair shot at research grants. Who knew that national security would lead us to a dystopian future where researchers are fighting over scraps of computing power like it's a reality TV show?. Fact: In the 80s, the military once tried to recruit calculators as part of their tech arsenal. They were not very successful.
• Headline: Princeton and Yale Enter NCAA Hockey Tournament. Impact: Princeton and Yale's rivalry became the foundation for countless memes, future sitcoms, and the overhyped notion that college sports are somehow more important than actual education. Fact: The only reason people care about college sports is because it’s a great way to avoid reading the syllabus.
• Headline: Don't You Wish You Could Get Buttered Popcorn in Civics Class?. Impact: The blurred lines between politics and cinema from this headline paved the way for the eventual rise of reality TV, where every politician would become a caricature of themselves, leading us to our current 'The Real Housewives of Capitol Hill' era. Fact: Fun fact: The original script for 'Primary Colors' was actually a documentary, but Hollywood thought it needed more drama.
• Headline: Using a Key That Still Works; Smith Corona's Future Rests in Putting Its Name on Other Products. Impact: Smith Corona's pivot from typewriters to modern products marked the start of a series of tech companies desperately trying to stay relevant by slapping their names on anything, from personalized mugs to questionable cryptocurrencies. Fact: Smith Corona's first attempt to diversify was a line of scented candles. They smelled like old paper and regret.
• Headline: Rice Survives Christ the King. Impact: Rice's victory sparked a new trend in high school sports where teams began to take on ridiculous names just to gain notoriety. Future championships were won by teams named 'The Fluffy Unicorns' and 'The Fighting Avocados.'. Fact: High school sports are the only place where a 14-year-old can achieve a greater sense of accomplishment than most adults.
• Headline: The Psychic Dyspepsia In O'Neill's Tragic Journey. Impact: O'Neill's play revival reminded the world that tragic journeys are timeless, leading to an endless cycle of remakes and adaptations until we inevitably reach a point where even Shakespeare gets a superhero twist. Fact: Eugene O’Neill once tried to write a sitcom about a family of ghosts, but it didn't quite have the same tragic flair.
• Headline: This Week. Impact: Hugh Wolff's conducting debut at Carnegie Hall unintentionally opened the floodgates for pretentious music critics to emerge from their basements, leading to an era of overly complex reviews that no one understood but everyone pretended to appreciate. Fact: The phrase 'world premiere' is code for 'we hope this doesn’t suck.'.
• Headline: Religious Right, Frustrated, Trying New Tactic on G.O.P.. Impact: The Religious Right's frustration with the GOP led to a new political strategy that became a masterclass in how to alienate moderate voters while simultaneously rallying the base to become even more extreme. Fact: The term 'new militancy' was originally coined in a failed attempt to describe a new fitness trend among conservative leaders, which involved yoga and shouting slogans.