MARCH 20, 1998

Full News Archive

• Headline: Blazers Overcome Knicks in Tight Battle. Impact: If the Knicks had won, there might have been a timeline where basketball shoes were made with extra padding for fans' shattered hopes. Instead, we just got more sneaker commercials.. Fact: Did you know that the Knicks' performance has been known to cause existential crises in their fans? Just another Saturday evening in New York..
• Headline: NATO Expansion Sparks Senate Controversy. Impact: Biden's outburst sparked a chain reaction of political debates that led to countless heated arguments in living rooms across America, ultimately resulting in the invention of the 'eye roll' emoji.. Fact: Did you know that 'NATO expansion' sounds a lot more exciting when you imagine it as a party invitation? Spoiler: No one shows up..
• Headline: Willey's Financial Struggles and Book Deal. Impact: Willey's quest for cash led to a cultural phenomenon where everyone suddenly felt their life stories were worth publishing, resulting in a spike in terrible memoirs featuring 'I once had a sandwich' as a chapter.. Fact: Did you know that financial struggles can lead to unexpected career changes? Who knew 'ghostwriter' would become a hot job title?.
• Headline: Clinton Lawyer Says He'll Avoid Issues of Paula Jones's Sex Life. Impact: This decision created a ripple effect where lawyers everywhere decided that ignoring embarrassing details was the way to go, paving the path for many future 'lawyerly' evasions in court.. Fact: Did you know that sometimes avoiding the topic of someone's sex life is a strategic move? It's like saying, 'Let's not talk about how the sausage is made,' while everyone is still in the kitchen..
• Headline: Tough Cop Who Can Be Tender Too. Impact: This film review sparked a bizarre trend where law enforcement officers everywhere took up ballet, believing it would help them connect with the community. Spoiler: It did not.. Fact: Did you know that tough cops who can be tender too are basically just the grizzly bears of the cinematic world? All fluff and warmth under that rough exterior..
• Headline: G.O.P. Leaders Plan Ahead In Case of Impeachment Move. Impact: This planning set off a domino effect, where political leaders began to prepare for every possible outcome, leading to a future where everyone is always on the brink of an emergency meeting.. Fact: Did you know that planning for impeachment is basically a fancy way of saying, 'Let's make sure we have snacks for when the chaos ensues'?.
• Headline: Stapled REIT? Paper-Clipped? The Latest Talk in Tax Shelters. Impact: This bizarre tax talk led to the creation of a secret society of financial wizards who only communicate through office supplies, forever altering the world of tax shelters.. Fact: Did you know that stapled REITs and paper-clipped REITs sound like they should be in a school supply store rather than a financial portfolio?.
• Headline: FILM IN REVIEW. Impact: This review contributed to the never-ending cycle of film critiques that would eventually lead to the rise of YouTube reviewers, allowing everyone with a webcam to become a critic.. Fact: Did you know that film reviews are the only thing that can make a movie sound worse than it actually is? It's like trying to sell a used car by describing every scratch..