FEBRUARY 12, 1998

Full News Archive

• Headline: Providence's Thrilling Victory Over Seton Hall. Impact: Farley's victory over Seton Hall became a rallying point for underdogs everywhere. This game inspired countless motivational quotes, and eventually, a poorly rated movie starring a washed-up comedian who claims to have been there. Fact: Did you know that sportsmanship is just a fancy way of saying, 'We lost, but at least we had fun!'? You can tell that to the scoreboard.
• Headline: Wesleyan University Faces Controversy Over Rapist. Impact: The presence of a convicted rapist near a college campus initiated a nationwide debate on campus safety that led to the creation of overly complicated safety apps and a rise in campus 'safe spaces' where students could only talk about their feelings and not actual safety. Fact: Did you know that universities are fantastic at sending emails? But maybe they should work on sending safety instead?.
• Headline: Metro Matters; Yes, the Law Is the Law. Then There's Jaywalking.. Impact: Kolbert's jaywalking misadventure led to a city-wide rebellion against pedestrian laws. Soon, New Yorkers were treating jaywalking like an Olympic sport, leading to the creation of the 'Jaywalking Games'—complete with medals and everything. Fact: Did you know that jaywalking is just another term for 'I really need to get to that bagel place before the line gets long'?.
• Headline: Sharpton Reprimanded by Judge After Exchange in Brawley Trial. Impact: Sharpton's courtroom drama not only added fuel to the fire of racial tensions but also inspired a new genre of courtroom reality shows where lawyers engage in theatrical monologues that are more about ratings than justice. Fact: Did you know that courtroom reprimands are basically the adult version of getting grounded? 'I don't care if you think you can talk back, young man!'.
• Headline: Software Maker Seeks Services Concern in $8.4 Billion Bid. Impact: The $8.4 billion bid led to a tech merger frenzy, resulting in the creation of a mega-corporation that accidentally invented a new form of software that unintentionally took over the world—because who doesn’t want their office assistant to be an AI overlord?. Fact: Did you know that in the tech world, 'merger' is just corporate lingo for 'we're consolidating our powers for world domination'?.
• Headline: Kenyan Switches To the Mile. Impact: Laban Rotich's switch to the mile inspired a generation of Kenyan runners to abandon traditional long-distance races. This led to an unexpected rise in mile-long marathons, where runners sprinted just to get it over with and get to the post-race buffet. Fact: Did you know that running a mile is like a mini life crisis for athletes? 'Am I fast? Am I slow? Why am I doing this again?'.
• Headline: New Therapy Offers Promise In Treatment Of Pedophiles. Impact: The new therapy for pedophiles sparked a massive ethical debate, eventually resulting in a slew of reality TV shows about rehabilitation programs—because nothing says 'healing' like watching it unfold on your screen. Fact: Did you know that sometimes therapy can feel like a group project? Just when you think you're making progress, someone else drops out.
• Headline: Bannon Likes What He Sees: Improvement. Impact: Bannon's approval of the Rutgers women's basketball team led to their accidental rise to fame, inspiring a new trend where sports teams began to market themselves as 'Bannon Approved'—because nothing says credibility like a controversial figure's stamp of approval. Fact: Did you know that in sports, 'improvement' is just a polite way of saying, 'We still lost, but at least we looked good doing it'?.
• Headline: For Kids' Rooms, Bunnies Are Out, Biedermeier Is In. Impact: The trend of upscale children's furnishings led to an explosion of overpriced cribs and changing tables, eventually resulting in an IKEA for kids where parents would spend hours assembling furniture they couldn’t afford for children who couldn’t care less. Fact: Did you know that children have a special way of ruining expensive things? It's like they have a PhD in destruction!.