FEBRUARY 5, 1998

Full News Archive

• Headline: Challenge to Secrecy in Clinton Lawsuit. Impact: If Judge Wright had lifted the order sooner, perhaps investigative journalism would have become a mainstream superhero genre, complete with capes and catchy theme songs. Just imagine: 'The Inquiries', featuring reporters saving democracy one headline at a time!. Fact: The New York Times has been known for its investigative journalism, but they really could have used a superhero costume for this case..
• Headline: Airport Renamed in Honor of Reagan. Impact: Renaming airports after presidents could have spiraled into a nationwide trend where every fast-food restaurant and gas station would be named after a former leader. Can you imagine a McDonald's named after Warren Harding?. Fact: Reagan's legacy is so iconic, they even had to name an airport after him—because calling it 'Ronald's Place' just didn’t have that presidential ring..
• Headline: Ex-Surgeon General's Arlington Plot Decision. Impact: C. Everett Koop's choice not to be buried at Arlington could have led to a new trend where notable figures choose unconventional burial spots, like being buried in their favorite fast-food restaurant or a theme park. How's that for a legacy?. Fact: Koop was known for his public health advocacy, but he apparently drew the line at being buried next to a bunch of tourists. Respect..
• Headline: THE GARDEN AS HIS PLAYGROUND. Impact: Michael Jordan's performances could have inspired a universe where basketball players are revered as demigods, leading to cities naming their streets after slam dunks instead of historical figures.. Fact: If you think Jordan was a good player, just wait until you see his alternate universe counterpart, who can literally fly..
• Headline: W. Bradford Wiley, 87, Independent Publisher. Impact: W. Bradford Wiley's death might have led to a shortage of independent publishers, causing a cascade of bland corporate books to flood the market. The next bestseller? 'How to Succeed in Business Without Really Trying.'. Fact: Wiley's passing reminds us that independent publishers are like rare Pokémon—hard to find and even harder to catch!.
• Headline: Metro Business; Wiz Purchase Is Approved. Impact: The Wiz purchase could have sparked a tech boom where every store was owned by a cable company, leading to a bizarre future where you could only shop for groceries while binge-watching your favorite show.. Fact: Who knew a bankruptcy court could be as entertaining as an episode of 'Shark Tank'?.
• Headline: Green Goes on Tour in His Bid to Oppose D'Amato. Impact: Mark Green's bid against D'Amato could have set off a chain reaction, inspiring future candidates to challenge their political rivals by hosting bake sales instead of debates. Who wouldn’t want a cookie-fueled campaign?. Fact: With Green's experience, you'd think he would have baked up a better plan to defeat D'Amato the first time around..
• Headline: Tax Rebate Is Proposed In Connecticut. Impact: The proposed tax rebate could have led to a nationwide trend of politicians offering rebates for everything, including bad decisions—imagine a refund for every time someone voted for a terrible reality show!. Fact: With all that surplus money, maybe Connecticut should have just thrown a big party instead of giving out tax rebates. Who doesn’t want to celebrate with free pizza?.
• Headline: Sports of The Times; Yank Misses Her Rifle At Night. Impact: Stacey Wooley's preparation for the Olympics could have inspired a new line of fashion, where biathletes become the trendsetters of winter wear. Forget runway, it’s all about the snowy slopes now!. Fact: Biathlon combines skiing and shooting, which is basically what happens when a winter sports fan has too much caffeine and a vendetta against a snowman..