JANUARY 22, 1998

Full News Archive

• Headline: Knicks Triumph Over Pacers in Thriller. Impact: The Knicks' victory set off a chain reaction where fans believed they could actually win more games, ultimately leading to unrealistic expectations and the birth of countless sports-related therapy sessions.. Fact: Did you know that the Knicks' team spirit is so strong, it's rumored they once defeated a team of ghosts? Too bad that doesn't apply to their actual games..
• Headline: SUBPOENAS SENT AS CLINTON DENIES REPORTS OF AN AFFAIR WITH AIDE AT WHITE HOUSE. Impact: Clinton's denial set off a political whirlwind that would lead to a culture of scandal, where future politicians would be forever haunted by the shadow of questionable interns. Thanks, Bill, for making 'the intern' a political buzzword!. Fact: Did you know that the only thing more scandalous than Clinton's affairs was the fact that he thought 'being a good intern' meant making coffee and keeping secrets?.
• Headline: NOW Tries to Seize Abortion Foes' Airline Miles. Impact: NOW's attempts to seize airline miles from abortion foes opened the door for a bizarre future where frequent flyer miles became a bargaining chip in political debates, leading to airlines offering loyalty programs based on how many protests you attended.. Fact: Did you know that frequent flyer miles once gave you the ability to fly free? Now they just give you the ability to argue politics at 30,000 feet!.
• Headline: Metro Business; Temp Company Acquired. Impact: The acquisition of Strategic Legal Resources by Staffmark created a ripple effect in the temp industry, leading to law firms hiring temporary lawyers who somehow thought that 'temp' meant 'slightly less qualified'—a trend that continues to perplex clients today.. Fact: Did you know that temp lawyers often get mistaken for actual lawyers? It's like being the stand-in for the stand-in. Welcome to the legal world!.
• Headline: THE MARKETS: CURRENCIES. Impact: The Canadian dollar's decline against the U.S. dollar set off a series of unfortunate events whereby Canadians began hoarding maple syrup as an alternative currency, leading to a bizarre economy based on breakfast foods.. Fact: Did you know that at one point, the Canadian dollar's worth was so low, it was actually less valuable than a moose's 'I Love Canada' t-shirt?.
• Headline: Sports of The Times; Some Hope And Advice For Lopez. Impact: The discussion around Felipe Lopez and Rodrick Rhodes's success in sports led to a new wave of motivational speakers claiming they could turn anyone into a basketball star. Meanwhile, most people still struggle to make a layup.. Fact: Did you know that sports columns are basically just the world's longest pep talks? Kind of like that friend who insists they can make you a morning person..
• Headline: For the Exiles, Come Home, It's 'Miracle Time' in Havana. Impact: Pope John Paul II's visit and the mass return of Cuban-American pilgrims inadvertently fueled a modern-day diaspora, where every Cuban family now has at least one member who believes they can single-handedly fix the island's economy.. Fact: Did you know that the only thing harder than reconnecting with family after decades is explaining to them how Wi-Fi works? Good luck with that!.