JANUARY 14, 1998

Full News Archive

• Headline: Iraq Blocks Arms Inspectors Amid Tensions. Impact: Blocking arms inspectors might have led to a future where international diplomacy is as effective as a screen door on a submarine. Who knew that refusing inspections would keep the world on its toes?. Fact: Did you know that Iraq's insistence on keeping inspectors out was less about national security and more about ensuring the neighbors didn't find out about the questionable items in the garage?.
• Headline: Where the Deer and the Antelope Braise. Impact: The rise of unusual meats in restaurants could eventually lead to a world where people are only able to bond over discussions of what animal they haven't tried yet. Welcome to the culinary arms race!. Fact: Did you know that the only thing more exotic than these meats is the price tag that comes with them? Enjoy your $40 antelope burger!.
• Headline: Viacom Seems Set to Sell Most Of Publisher. Impact: Viacom selling off Simon & Schuster might have inadvertently led to the rise of self-publishing, where your cousin’s blog about knitting could be considered a bestseller. Thanks for that!. Fact: Did you know that Simon & Schuster was once the gatekeeper of literary greatness? Now they just have to keep up with the knitting blogs and cat memes..
• Headline: Bowles Tells Cheering Staff He Will Stay on Job. Impact: Bowles staying on the job might have inspired future White House chiefs to play the game of musical chairs – but with more scandals and less music. Just keep the chairs away from the edge.. Fact: Did you know that in politics, the term 'long period of time' is often code for 'until I can find a better job'?.
• Headline: Peregrine Considers Deal With Chinese. Impact: Peregrine's potential deal with a Chinese company could have opened the floodgates for other companies to think they can just waltz into China without understanding the local customs. Spoiler: They can't.. Fact: Did you know that dealing with foreign companies is a lot like dating? If you don't understand the culture, you're going to end up in a very awkward situation..