NOVEMBER 12, 1997

Full News Archive

• Headline: Alaska Airlines Selects Wong Doody. Impact: If Wong Doody hadn’t taken the reins at Alaska Airlines, who knows? Perhaps the airline would have never discovered the magic of catchy advertising, leading to an alternate timeline where air travel is still dominated by 'fly the friendly skies' jingles from the 70s. Oh, the horror!. Fact: Wong Doody? Sounds like a name that could only be rivaled by an overzealous marketing intern trying way too hard..
• Headline: $25 Argentine Beef Delight in NYC. Impact: The rise of Argentine beef in Manhattan led to a culinary revolution that sparked a global obsession with meat. If Pampa hadn’t opened, we could still be stuck in a world where kale ruled supreme. Thanks for saving us, beef!. Fact: Pampa was so good it made vegetarians question their life choices. Just kidding, they just kept eating salads and pretending..
• Headline: Goldberg Moser Secures Major Account. Impact: Goldberg Moser securing the Smartalk account inadvertently set off a chain reaction of overzealous advertising agencies trying to outdo each other, leading to the infamous 'talking billboard' era. Thanks, guys. We really needed that.. Fact: Goldberg Moser? Sounds like a law firm that specializes in divorce from your sanity..
• Headline: Powell Says No Once Again to Making a Run for the Presidency. Impact: Colin Powell’s refusal to run may have saved us from a world where he would have had to deal with Twitter trolls instead of military strategy. Instead, we got a reality show star as president. Well, that worked out well.... Fact: Powell was the ultimate 'no thanks' guy, setting a precedent for future politicians who would rather dodge the spotlight..
• Headline: Too Many Beatings; The Boxer's Disease Haunts Wilfred Benitez and His Family. Impact: The struggles of Wilfred Benitez highlighted the long-term effects of boxing on athletes, potentially leading to stricter regulations in combat sports. His story echoes a warning: punch-drunk isn't just a fun phrase.. Fact: Boxing: the only sport where you can get knocked out and still be the most coherent person in the room afterward..
• Headline: Footlights. Impact: The Bee Gees' return to the stage might have inadvertently sparked a disco revival, leading to a timeline where everyone wears bell-bottoms again. Thanks, guys! Just what we needed.. Fact: The Gibb brothers’ harmonies are so smooth they could probably convince a cat to take a bath..