OCTOBER 19, 1997

Full News Archive

• Headline: Review of La Feme Martin Chardonnay. Impact: If Howard G Goldberg hadn't praised that chardonnay, who knows? The entire Long Island wine industry could have collapsed, leading to a global wine shortage and a rise in tequila consumption that changes the course of party history forever.. Fact: Did you know that chardonnay is French for 'I hope you brought snacks'?.
• Headline: Celebrating Argentina's Sweet Delights. Impact: This cake review might have inspired a generation of bakers, leading to an eventual cake-off that takes over reality TV, resulting in a new career path: professional cake decorators with a side hustle in drama.. Fact: Fun fact: Cake is the only food you can eat and also use as a metaphor for life's layers. Take that, salad!.
• Headline: Spotlighting Two Shows: A Medley, and Drawings. Impact: The exposure of Latin American female artists could have led to a worldwide art renaissance, causing art critics to panic as they scramble to find new buzzwords to describe the movement without sounding completely out of touch.. Fact: Did you know that art critics have a secret handbook on how to sound smart while not actually knowing anything? It's called 'Art for Dummies.'.
• Headline: The View From: Milford Point; Lessons From the Shore On What's Out There. Impact: The educational initiative at Milford Point could inadvertently lead to a generation of overly enthusiastic nature lovers taking up careers as eco-warriors, resulting in a dystopian future where every tree is a celebrity.. Fact: Did you know that trees can actually communicate? They just choose not to talk to humans—probably because they know we’re terrible listeners..
• Headline: Penn State's Late Heroics Nip Minnesota. Impact: Penn State's victory might have sparked a wave of college sports enthusiasm, leading to a time when college football players are revered like gladiators in ancient Rome. Hail, the mighty student-athlete!. Fact: Did you know that college football players are statistically more likely to end up in a cereal commercial than in the NFL?.
• Headline: Praising the Power of Intel. Impact: The affectionate articles about Intel could have influenced tech enthusiasts to start a cult-like following, leading to a bizarre future where microchips are worshipped as the new deities.. Fact: Fun fact: Intel's slogan, 'Intel Inside,' is actually a warning for those who consume too much tech without proper nutrition..