SEPTEMBER 23, 1997

Full News Archive

• Headline: Sharpton's Struggle for Democratic Unity. Impact: Had Sharpton prioritized party unity over legal gymnastics, the Democratic Party might have avoided decades of infighting and instead united to create the first-ever 'Unity Day'—complete with balloons and awkward group hugs.. Fact: Fun fact: Political unity is like a unicorn—everyone talks about it, but no one has actually seen it in the wild..
• Headline: Newark Park Battle Continues. Impact: The park's eventual designation as a historic landmark could lead to a time travel tourism boom, where future generations visit to see where people once fought over a baseball stadium instead of the fate of the universe.. Fact: Newark: where even parks are more contested than reality TV show plots..
• Headline: Newark Union Charges School District Bias. Impact: If the Newark Teachers Union had succeeded in their fight against discrimination, we might have seen an early rise in inclusive educational practices, potentially inspiring global movements for equality—who knew a local complaint could start a revolution?. Fact: In an ironic twist, some people still think that 'handicapped' means 'less capable'—the more you know..
• Headline: How Fen-Phen, A Diet 'Miracle,' Rose and Fell. Impact: The rise and fall of Fen-Phen could have led to an alternate reality where the phrase 'miracle diet' would be synonymous with actual miracles performed by angels instead of questionable pharmaceuticals.. Fact: Fen-Phen: because who needs healthy eating and exercise when you can lose weight with a pill that might also give you heart problems?.
• Headline: With More Space to Spare, Grand Central Draws Shops. Impact: The revitalization of Grand Central Terminal could have sparked a trend of turning all historical landmarks into shopping malls—because who doesn't love overpriced souvenirs in a place steeped in history?. Fact: Grand Central: where the only thing more crowded than the trains are the overpriced coffee shops..