SEPTEMBER 10, 1997

Full News Archive

• Headline: Parcells at the Center of Rivalry. Impact: As fans harbored a grudge against Parcells, this led to a bizarre chain reaction where every coach after him had to endure uncomfortable amounts of hot air during press conferences, resulting in the invention of the 'Coach Survival Kit' filled with oxygen tanks and stress balls.. Fact: Did you know that Bill Parcells once famously said he wanted to coach a team that could actually breathe? Clearly, he was misunderstood..
• Headline: Murray Sabrin's Funding Qualification Debate. Impact: Murray Sabrin’s financial struggles sparked a nationwide search for the elusive Libertarian Party matching funds, which eventually led to the creation of a reality TV show: 'Who Wants to Fund a Libertarian?' Spoiler: no one.. Fact: Did you know that the Libertarian Party's motto is 'Less government, more fun'? Which is ironic, considering the drama over matching funds is about as fun as watching paint dry..
• Headline: Challenges of National Student Testing Proposal. Impact: This testing debacle resulted in the establishment of a secret society of educators who met in basements to plot against standardized testing—ironically creating a whole new layer of testing to see if they could outsmart the system.. Fact: Did you know that tests were originally designed to measure intelligence? Now they mostly measure how well kids can guess answers while plotting their escape..
• Headline: Ulster Talks Resume With a Promise of Peace by Sinn Fein. Impact: Sinn Fein's commitment to peace prompted a cultural renaissance that led to the rise of Irish folk music in unexpected places, like corporate boardrooms, where executives now perform ballads about quarterly profits.. Fact: Did you know that Gerry Adams once tried to start a band called 'Peaceful Protest' but they could never agree on a setlist?.
• Headline: Theater in Review. Impact: The success of 'The Evil Spell of the Butterfly' led to an unexpected trend in theatrical productions, where every show thereafter included at least one butterfly-themed plot twist, making all drama feel oddly similar.. Fact: Did you know that butterflies are nature's way of reminding us that even the prettiest things can have a dark side? Just like that time I went to see a play and wanted my money back..
• Headline: U.S. Suspends Deportation In I.R.A. Cases. Impact: This suspension caused a minor earthquake in the legal system, leading to an influx of Irish accents in American sitcoms, making 'The Lucky Charm' the most popular show of the 90s that no one admits to watching.. Fact: Did you know that the real reason for suspending deportations was because the government couldn't find enough shamrocks for the St. Patrick's Day decorations?.
• Headline: Personal Health. Impact: The rise of St John's wort as a treatment for depression led to an explosion of herbal tea shops across the country, which coincidentally became the favorite hangout for hipsters and sad people alike.. Fact: Did you know that St John's wort is often referred to as the 'happy herb'? Funny, because it doesn't seem to have the same effect on my bank account..