SEPTEMBER 4, 1997

Full News Archive

• Headline: Development Rights for Manhattan Bus Terminal. Impact: The construction of a 35-story building above a bus terminal leads to a catastrophic shortage of space for pigeons in Times Square. This, in turn, causes a mass migration of pigeons, leading to an unprecedented increase in urban gardening as people try to attract the flying rats back.. Fact: Real estate agents will tell you that selling air rights is the new frontier in capitalism. Next up: selling the rights to breathe in Times Square!.
• Headline: Historic Heavyweight Championship Clash. Impact: Moorer vs. Holyfield becomes a cultural phenomenon, inspiring a new genre of 'boxing opera' where opera singers fight each other with their vocal cords. This leads to the decline of actual boxing matches in favor of melodramatic arias.. Fact: Boxing: the only sport where getting punched in the face is somehow considered a sign of bravery and talent. Who knew pain could be so profitable?.
• Headline: Changes on Posting of Signs. Impact: Newark’s fine on sign posting leads to an underground market for illegal sign-making, causing a spike in creative, yet entirely illegal, advertising tactics including the use of balloons and interpretive dance.. Fact: A $1,000 fine for posting signs? Seems fair. After all, who doesn't enjoy a little financial punishment for trying to communicate with their community?.
• Headline: Prices Lower On Treasury Securities. Impact: The decline in Treasury prices causes widespread panic, leading to a bizarre trend where people start hoarding money under their mattresses instead of investing it. This sparks a new economy of 'mattress banks' where people store cash for a fee.. Fact: Treasury bonds: because who doesn’t want their money to earn interest at a rate that’s barely better than a savings account?.
• Headline: Nonprofit Groups to Defy Subpoenas in Senate Inquiry. Impact: The nonprofit groups’ defiance inspires a future generation of activists who believe that the best way to protest is to simply not show up. This leads to the phenomenon of 'Invisible Activism,' where nobody knows what you’re doing, but you tell everyone you’re doing it.. Fact: Defying subpoenas is basically the adult version of 'I’m not touching you!' You know you're doing something right when the government notices..