AUGUST 2, 1997

Full News Archive

• Headline: Exploring Nick Joaquin's Theatrical Masterpiece. Impact: Nick Joaquin's play may have inspired a future generation of playwrights, leading to a theatrical revolution that ultimately ends with a musical about cats ruling the world. Thanks, Nick!. Fact: Anita Gates is not just a reviewer; she’s basically a gatekeeper to the dramatic arts. No pressure, though!.
• Headline: New York's Longest Legislative Session Struggles. Impact: The failure to pass these bills might have sparked a series of events that led to a world where lawmakers are replaced by sentient vending machines. Just think: instant policy changes with a snack!. Fact: The longest legislative session in New York history is just a fancy way of saying 'we can't agree on anything, so let's just keep talking!'.
• Headline: Bridge. Impact: The growth of bridge competitions might have inspired future generations to consider contract bridge as a viable career path, leading to the emergence of 'Bridge Influencers' on social media. #CardGameLife. Fact: Contract bridge: the only sport where you can argue about the rules for hours and still call it a game!.
• Headline: A Flip Side to E-Z Pass: East River Tolls and Rush-Hour Prices. Impact: The implementation of E-Z Pass might have led to a future where we all pay tolls even for walking into our own homes. Can’t wait for those 'Toll Booths at the Front Door' proposals!. Fact: E-Z Pass: because why pay for a toll booth when you can just pay for your existence?.
• Headline: Budget Deal May Push More Elderly Into Managed Care. Impact: If more elderly patients flow into managed care, it could spark a revival of the 'Grumpy Old Man' genre in sitcoms, leading to a cultural phenomenon of elderly superheroes fighting bureaucracy.. Fact: Managed care: because who doesn’t want their health decisions made by someone who thinks 'senior' means 'you need to be managed'?.
• Headline: In Washington, Few Trifle With Jesse Helms. Impact: Jesse Helms blocking Weld's nomination might have set a precedent for future politicians to wield their power like a sword, leading to a political landscape where nominating someone becomes a gladiatorial contest.. Fact: In Washington, it’s not just about politics; it’s about who can stir the pot the best. Jesse Helms was basically a chef in the kitchen of controversy..